I never know what to expect from day to day. This morning I called my mom and said, "Hi mom, how are you" and her reply was "How do you think I should be?" – so I thought, here we go.
So mom, what’s wrong. She proceeded to ask me why my aunt wouldn’t say anything to her – that she was doing all the talking and that my aunt was just sitting there and tsking at her. I told the reason why my aunt wasn’t talking is because she was not there yet and would not be there until tomorrow. She said that I told her that she would be here today. When I told her that when I talked to her yesterday I said she would be here the day after tomorrow, she insisted I told her tomorrow (meaning today, Wednesday).
I told her my aunt was not in her room, and that she would not be here until tomorrow. Then she asked me about her money. She said that I told her that I had a conversation with Bob (my brother) and that we "cut a deal" and divided up her money. When she asked me how her health care bills would be paid as a result of this deal, I supposedly told her that that was not my concern and it was her problem.
Then she told me that I told her that I lost her wedding ring.
I proceeded to tell her that none of that was true. I asked her if they changed her medication patch today – she said yes- and it seems like the first day when they change that patch that she is more delusionary than on the second and third day (the patch gets changed every three days). I told her that I understood her fears and that because of her situation that she had to put her complete trust in me, but that I guaranteed that her money is her money and that it will be used to take care of her and that I did not cut any deal with Bob. I told her that I had her wedding ring in a safe place (she gave me both her wedding ring and my grandmother’s wedding ring when she went into the hospital.) I told her that I was wearing grandma’s ring but that I would not wear hers, because it was hers, and if she "graduates" from hospice as she maintains she will, that I will be more than happy to put that ring back on her finger.
She started to cry and said that she was sorry for putting me through so much and that she must be losing her mind. I told her she was not losing her mind and that she was taking very powerful drugs and unfortunately that was part of her pain management and unfortunately they do play havoc with your mind. I told her it had to be hard to deal with all of this, trying to separate what is truth from what is not, but I hoped she believed in me and had enough faith in me to know that I was not lying to her and that I would indeed take care of her.
When I called her this evening, she was still a little loopy but when I asked her if she remembered our conversation this morning, she said that she did and that the conversation was such a comfort to her that she was able to get some sleep during the day – she said her worries prevented her from getting much sleep the night before.
So, I was happy to hear I was able to comfort her. But it got me to thinking how terrifying it must be for someone to feel so out of control and out of the loop and truly have to rely totally on someone else for everything in their life. It’s not that she doesn’t trust me, but the thought of being that completely dependent is mind boggling.
The good thing is that there is a part of her that can separate herself from the drugs and see the delusionary side for what it is. I’m not sure how long that will last, but I am glad she has the capability to do that.
How terrifying this has to be for her. That really makes me very sad.