It has been interesting and rewarding to do this journaling and also very therapeutic. As I reread some of the entries, it is amazing how cathartic it is for me. But one thing that I didn’t really think about when I began this process was the comments, opinions and words of support that I would get from my friends who are reading my ramblings. That has just been a totally unexpected blessing – almost like being covered by a warm blanket or snuggling with a puppy. What a joy and a comfort.
It was amazing how much support I got for the decision I made regarding not doing the cat scan and the potential brain radiation. People shared stories of similar situations they had been in – one colleague at work told me that during her treatement for breast cancer, and while she was doing radiation therapy, there was another woman she met who was getting radiation on the brain. She told me that that woman suffered many complications and that the side effects where intensified because the brain was the targeted area. So, for as much angst that I had when I made the decision, now I am completely comfortable with it – thanks to all of you.
This journaling process has been another very important way for me not to feel so all alone during this time. It is an unbelievable responsibility to manage someone’s health care. (Makes me appreciate even more what it must be like to be a parent) You are constantly second guessing yourself (or at least I am) about are you making the right decision for the person, or are you making the decision to suit yourself?
I am beginning to believe that all decisions made with care and love are the right decisions. We are not God and we certainly do not know what the future will be – so all we can do is simply the best that we can. And that is what I try to do.
Now, on to my mom. Well, yesterday was one of those great days. I did not call her in the morning since she was pretty out of it the day before and I knew my aunt would be there. So after work I called her, and she sounded great – 100% normal. So, this delusion phase thing seems to go in and out. I’m not sure if it is tied to my mothers medication patch which is changed every three days (we are going to monitor this to see if the pattern coincides) or if it is the cancer spreading to the brain, which the hospice nurse tells me in all liklihood it will.
I remember when my mom first starting experiencing the pains in her back. She would have them for a while and then they would disappear. For a while she would have them in the morning and then at 1pm they would magically go away and be gone for the rest of the day. She would never have them when she was sleeping and then all of a sudden the pain would start waking her up. The pain continuted to intensify and laster longer until it became unbearable.
I wonder if this could be a similar pattern beginning to occur. I’m not sure if these phases are due to the changing of the medication patch or perhaps to the spreading of the cancer – I think time will give us a better indication of that.
All I do know for know is that it is so wonderful to have my aunt here – she is being so helpful and I know she is relishing the time she is having with my mom.
One more thought… because my mom was so lucid yesterday, I shared with her my decision about the cat scan. She totally agreed with me and said that she did not want to do any radiation on the brain. She also said – oh I forgot – when the doctor visited her on Monday, the doctor told her to tell me to call her. I’m not quite sure why the doctor would put that responsibility on my mom, particularly in her condition and with the phases she goes through – I did not think that was very smart. But no matter, the procedure is not being done and yesterday was a great day for my mom. Just one day at a time……