That dreaded word – morphine. It is now part of the treatment plan. My mom is losing strength, and it is difficult to even get her out of bed. If the nurses try, say to put her on the commode, she often goes limp in their arms and the end result is more skin tears because she has scraped herself.
This week, the nurses told her that she should try to use a bed pan. She was not pleased with that and demanded to use a commode. The nurses tried to move her and sure enough the strain made her go limp in their arms and she wound up getting two new skin tears on the backs of her thighs.
She has two sources of pain now – the cancer and her skin tears. The medication she was on was not completely managing the pain – so the nurse called me and suggested we put her on a morphine caplet, which would only be given to her when she asks for it. The caplet goes under the tongue and dissolves in the mouth – it is supposed to give very quick pain relief. So, she is on her first round of morphine.
She is really weak – it is difficult for her to stay awake and she often will not even answer the phone anymore. I often go and visit with her and just play her favorite music and read to her. She still has her cognitive abilities – it just seems that even speaking drains her of her strength.
I am not sure what the next few weeks will bring, but I am becoming more convinced that she will not live through the end of the year, and maybe not another month. BUT, the nurse says my mom has a strong will, and I do not doubt that for one minute. She has a strong will to live, and I will continue to support her in that for as long as she wants to live.
I find myself missing her a lot in terms of things we used to do together especially the past couple of years when she lived here in Colorado. This afternoon I was sitting on the deck and missing her being there – she never has had the chance to see our deck and newly landscaped backyard and I know she would have loved it. We used to sit out on my patio quite a bit – and when I am out there now, I miss her not being there.
I’ve been talking a lot to my dad lately, asking him to have influence on whomever so that my mom does not have to suffer. Every time I see her, there is a little bit of anger in me, seeing what she is now and knowing what she was all of her life. It is opposite ends of the spectrum. I feel so bad that she has to go through this – no one deserves this. It is just slowly wasting away – waiting around until your body gives out. It is not much of a life – and I don’t understand why we make people go through this – but I am grateful that I have had this time with her and I just want her to be rid of all this pain and suffering.
I will continue to keep you posted. More next Sunday at the least or sooner if anything major happens.

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