I’m not sure why we have such a hard time with the concept. After all, it is a normal human function. But for some reason when the subject arises we revert back to our puritanical heritage lest we, perish the thought, offend our delicate sensibilities. And we’ve developed a variety of monikers to avoid calling it what it is – tooting, flatulence, breaking wind, ripping one, silent but deadly (the dreaded sbd), passing gas – all derived in an effort to be politically correct. But why?
We all do it. We all know we do it. I remember the first time I realized that when I did it in the bathtub I could create bubbles. What fun, although my mother didn’t think so. I’ve come to the conclusion that even though we willingly accept the reality that we do it, we conveniently forget that others do. And we’ve deluded ourselves into thinking that the rich and the powerful never do. So when others do it or, God forbid, someone famous does it we don’t quite know how to handle it.
Take for example just this past week – Tuesday night on Dancing with the Stars. Nancy Grace and her partner finish their dance and right in the middle of their obligatory post dance interview – yes, you guessed it – someone ripped one on live TV! For the moment all fingers are pointing at Nancy Grace although she vehemently denies being the culprit and has vowed to use her legal prowess to uncover exactly who perpetrated the crime. No one wants to admit to doing it, after all how uncouth. And on live TV to boot. It doesn’t get much better than this.
But wait – just recently Rahm Emanuel, mayor of the City of Chicago, rips one during a national TV interview. It’s loud and clear for everyone to hear and will remain in perpetuity on YouTube. What a legacy! And what does he do when the dirty deed occurs? He smiles this sheepish grin and quickly takes a sip from his coffee mug before he busts out laughing. The person interviewing him meanwhile doesn’t know where to look or what to do.
So why has his normal human function created such a conundrum for us all? Thank goodness we do it, otherwise our bodies would blow up from all the unnecessary gases that have built up in our systems. Maybe it is the aroma factor, although they don’t necessarily have to have aroma. Maybe it is the sound of it or the fact that at times we just can’t control doing it. And when that happens what do we do – we rip one and walk away in the hopes that someone else will get blamed. We never ever want to admit that we were the one. And some people have even used it as a term of endearment. How many husbands have tooted under the covers and then lovingly put the covers over the wive’s heads so that they could enjoy the experience as well. Sometimes it can be a badge of honor and sometimes our worst nightmare.
But we just don’t quite know the best way to handle the situation when we are caught in the middle of it. We get embarrassed, we act like it didn’t happen even though the sound could have doubled as a fog horn. And heaven forbid if the aroma factor occurs – how do you get away quickly without tipping your hand that what you really need to do is put a clothespin over your nose or douse the room with air freshener. Wouldn’t it be great if, when it happens, you just stood there and said, oops I farted. Sorry. How direct, how freeing, how up front and honest! Yes, I think that’s the ticket.
So from now on I am on a campaign – I mean if Nancy Grace and Rahm Emanuel can do it publicly, so can I. From now on I will forget about all resistance tactics. No more pretending, just call it what it is – a plain old big fat fart. Fart. Fart. Fart. Fart. Fart. There now, I did it, I said it, I feel better.