This whole situation is just so strange – I am really beginning to realize that I just put closure to the easy part – picking up the pieces and moving on is the hard part.
I know time will heal some of the hurt – grief is just such a strange thing to deal with – it shows no logic – it sometimes hits you totally by surprise. It makes you think about a lot of things – it makes you take stock.
I’ve decided just to give myself some time and to be a little forgiving to myself. I have been on such a treadmill for such a long time – and it is so strange – when you get off there is that loss as well. No more having to run to the nursing home when things go wrong – my weekends are now totally mine to choose what to do – no more worrying about making sure that someone is ok – no more making calls on the way to work or on the way home.
It is just so strange. One day I can be right as rain – the next day I want to cry at the drop of a hat. One day I feel strong, and the next I feel like mush. One minute I am looking forward to Christmas, and in the same breath I am dreading it.
So, how you handle all of this, I do not know. All I know is dealing with the day to day before all of this happened was much clearer, much more real, much more logical than this thing called grief.
Tomorrow it will be three weeks – some days it seems like 3 hours, and some days like 3 years. The full realization of never seeing her or never being able to talk to her again has not fully set in – and the joy that she is not longer suffering has. So, talk about Doctor Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde – this is really a flip flop kind of thing that plays havoc with your mind and emotions. So, I take it one day at a time, try to cut myself some slack, and try to forgive myself for these crazy days when I am not sure what is real, and what is not.
Please time, pass quickly.
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