Author: youbetchcanmakethis

We’ve come a long way – or have we?

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Last week I had the opportunity to do another presentation on Women and Leadership. And although I have done this presentation several times over the past eight years, every time is different and every time I come away with a different perspective.

I have crafted the presentation to cover the history of barriers that women have faced on the pathways to leadership – from not having the right to vote or hold public office by law (repealed in 1920) to not having access to prestigious universities: Harvard (1963), Princeton and Stanford (1969) to the US military academy (1975). I also cover the barrier of the right to equal pay (granted in 1963 as part of the Civil Rights Amendment) and other less overt barriers such as how innate sexual characteristics equate to leadership expectations and the delicate balancing act for women leaders.

I am always amazed at how most of the women I present to are not aware that these barriers existed and were removed less than 100 years ago. I guess when you grow up with access to certain rights and privileges, it is easy to assume that they always existed. And although many barriers have been removed, women still average 80 cents on the dollar to what a man makes, spend on average 1.7 hours doing house work to a every one hour spent by a man, spend 2.1 hours in childcare to every one hour spent by a man and often assume the primary responsibility of caring for her aging parents and quite often her spouse’s parents as well. In a world that still quite often defines success as giving your time primarily to your job, this presents quite a conundrum for a woman trying to achieve her leadership goals.

And although this may sound hopeless, all you have to do is have one young woman sit in on your presentation and get it. I had that last week. She was the room host for my presentation and at the end of it she told the whole room that she had no idea of the barriers women had to overcome and the challenges that still exist in both the domestic and economic realms of their lives. She also did not know that the rules of the game were different for women leaders than for men and she felt energized to know that she was going to go into the working world with information that would help her navigate the personal labyrinth she will face on the road to achieving her leadership goals. She said felt better prepared to work with both men and women.

I had tears in my eyes to say the least. That is what it is all about. It’s not about radicalism or men bashing – its about understanding where you’ve come from, where you’re going, the challenges that still exist and how in your own unique situation you can overcome them. And when you feel like you are helping those just coming of age, that is such a gift. God, I love the education process!

I Can’t Believe This Is Happening

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This morning started out like many others, taking the dog out, skimming the newspapers, sipping my coffee. I was unusually tired this morning as some heavy winds came our way about 3 a.m. and woke me up. I got up to get some water and was tempted to turn on the TV but decided against it. I am glad I did.

When I reached for my trusty iPhone this morning and did my daily look-see on Facebook, one of my friends had written that she could not believe what was going on in Japan. I immediately logged into Google News and saw that Japan had been struck with an earthquake measuring 8.9 on the Richter Scale. It is devastating to see what earthquakes do and the lives they affect.

I immediately turned on CNN and could not believe my eyes. Pictures of the tsunami spawned by the earthquake were unreal, surreal. Houses, cars, trucks and boats all being pushed along like they were tinker toys. The fury of the water was unbelievable with water reaching as far as 14 miles inward. Heartbreaking, heartbreaking. But even more heartbreaking is the fact that a colleague of mine left last week for Japan to visit her family. She is perhaps one of the nicest people I have ever met – a genuinely beautiful soul. It is my understanding that she had not been home in years and was so looking forward to seeing her family and seeing old faces and places. Before she left she bought some chocolate to take to her former school. She was excited, looking forward to a great adventure and going home.

As I write this we do not know what has happened to her. We pray for her well being and for that of her family. We are all worried sick and hope that they are all ok and will contact us as soon as they can. Bad things are not supposed to happen to good people – this time this disaster has really brought it home.

When my mom passed away, I was struck by how things that I used to think were important no longer mattered and that I got such joy out of the smallest things. She taught me a lesson that I sometimes forget and then something like this happens today and you don’t know the whereabouts of a very dear person and you are reminded once again. We sometimes forget what is truly important – family and friends. So to my friend in Japan, I love you – am praying for you. Come back home safe and sound.

Gender Equity – Myth or Possibility?

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The best definition I have ever found regarding the concept of gender equity is “the same opportunities and constraints (for both genders) in full participation of both the economic and domestic realms.”  I will never forget when I first started living on my own and compared my salary to that of certain men in my life. At that time, I never understood why, based on what I made, that I did not get a comparable discount in my expenses. After all if I am making only 66 cents on the dollars (luckily today its moved up to 80 cents on the dollar), then shouldn’t my rent be only two thirds of what a man pays or shouldn’t my grocery bill be only two thirds of what a man pays. Unfortunately that is not the case. So, what’s a girl to do?

To quote a recent article in the Huffington Post written by Heide Grant Halvorseon, PhD., The Trouble With Bright Girls Article “(women) are routinely underestimated, underutilized and even underpaid. Studies show that women need to perform at extraordinarily high levels, just to appear moderately competent compared to male coworkers.”

Ok, ok. I know what you’re thinking. Here is my bra-burning, women’s lib side rearing up its ugly head again. Not really. I have changed my beliefs regarding women’s issues and gender equity from my “we shall overcome” mode to a more “what can each individual woman do to affect the types of changes necessary” mode in my perennial quest to create a more universal environment of gender equity.

The article goes on to suggest a simple change strategy that I feel is important to share. The author surmises that the toughest hurdle we have as women lies within. How we, as women, tend to judge our own abilities more harshly and differently than our male counterparts. Bright young women who identify their self worth and abilities by their intelligence tend to give up more quickly than men when faced with a difficult challenge. They are quicker to self doubt, lose confidence and ergo become less effective learners and problem solvers over time. They start to view difficult challenges as lack of competence (after all, if I am truly smart I should “get this”) versus an energizing prospect.

Don’t we socialize young women to behave and be good little girls and praise them for being smart while we provide young boys, who tend not to sit still and play nice in the sandbox, with feedback to pay attention and try harder.  We tend to create in young women the belief that being smart is something you either are or are not. The article goes on to say that most often, bright girls come to believe that their abilities are innate and unchangeable, while bright boys believe that they can develop ability through effort and practice. So “when a problem seemed hard to learn, bright girls were much quicker to doubt their ability… and become less effective learners as a result”.

When was the last time you had a female friend who told you they were not going to apply for a job or promotion because they just weren’t ready – they needed more time to develop the skills needed or more time to gain the knowledge necessary to do the job effectively. I doubt that you would ever hear that comment from a man. Men tend to possess confidence both in what they know and don’t know. They don’t get bogged down in where their “flat spots” are, they simply have the confidence to deal with them when the time comes.

I think this is a great lesson for all women. First, lets create more of that “pay attention and try harder ” mentality in young women. Maybe it is not always in their best interest to be the nice, quiet little girl. After all, the world they will grow up in is certainly not nice and quiet. Second, encourage your female friends to take risks and not doubt their skills and abilities. When they say they are not ready, tell them to try anyway and see how far it takes them. With no risk there is no reward.

In my mind, it is simple strategies such as this that, over time, can help achieve greater gender equity. Whether gender equity can ever be totally achieved, well that is another blog for another time.

Stuff

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The subject of stuff came up today – buying stuff, wanting stuff, saving stuff, borrowing stuff, getting rid of stuff, your stuff, my stuff…and whenever the evocative subject of stuff comes up, I just have to chuckle. After all, how do you define stuff? When I looked up stuff in the dictionary, I got the definition “to fill or pack tightly” – when I looked up synonyms for stuff I got the words cloth, fabric, textile, material, substance, matter, bits and pieces. So, when I stuff a turkey on Thanksgiving, am I packing it tightly with textiles?  When I go shopping to pick up some stuff, am I picking up bits and pieces of substance? When I go to your house and look at your stuff, am I looking at your matter? And if I have too much stuff, do I have an overabundance of fabric?

I cannot take credit for my fascination with the word stuff. It came from the poet laureate George Carlin. George could be raunchy and irreverent, but he had a love for the English language and was a master at using it to create great comedy. So, as I get ready to put away the stuff I bought at the grocery store, I leave you with a link to his comic routine on stuff. May you have many years of good laughter remembering this routine. I will never view the word stuff in the same way again. George Carlin\’s \”Stuff\”

School for Dogs

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I never had children. So I never had to worry about schools, tuition, or the scholastic competency of teachers. But, today I had to take my soon-to-be 8 year old Black Lab, to doggie day-care to prepare her for boarding (yes, I said prepare her).  Years ago, when you were planning a trip, you called your Vet, asked if they had boarding services and brought your dog in when you were leaving on your trip. Today, if you are planning on boarding your dog, it is a very different story. You must research, you must do appropriate integration, you must watch your dog on the internet doggie web cam, and ultimately, you must be accepted to the program!

Like any good parent (in Boulder, dog owners are legally called guardians as the term connotes that no one really owns another living being) I decided to check a few places out. I looked for cleanliness of the facility, the caliber of the day care staff, the enrichment programs, disciplinary procedures, quality of the indoor and outdoor areas, the sleeping quarters, the tuition. I drove all over looking at a wide range of facilities and programs. Is this beginning to sound like looking for a child’s boarding school to you? Where did all this come from? Is it a racket, or truly the way we should care for our pets?

One place I nixed because it looked too much like a pound, with dogs spending way to much time in kennels and only getting exercised 10 minutes a day twice a day. Another place I nixed because it was the size of a postage stamp, and with 50 or so dogs in the facility on a daily basis, the dogs were basically on top of one another. Another place I nixed because it smelled like your worst nightmare of a public bathroom.

But I found nirvana about 5 minutes from our home. This facility looked like a white country home with a blue roof and a white picket fence. It

My Mia

had a huge outdoor play area complete with play school equipment, plenty of trees and even strategically placed crates for dogs that want to get away from it all. The indoor area was huge as well, and dogs can romp and play together in a climate controlled environment when the weather is too severe for their comfort. But nirvana is only part of the equation – could Mia cut the mustard, could she behave according to the strict standards of the program, would she be accepted for boarding. The pressure was on. Did I raise her properly?

Mia went there today. Right now she is sound asleep on the carpet in my office and will probably sleep until tomorrow morning.

She passed the entrance exam, she is accepted for boarding privileges. Nothing is too good for my Mia. I thought I never had children?

The Good Wife’s Guide

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What every good woman needs to know. The study of gender equity has been a passion of mine for a long time. Ever since I was a young girl, I can remember questioning why my brother and I were treated differently. It all started after Thanksgiving dinner when I was about 9. The whole family had gathered at my grandmother’s house for the big family meal. After the meal, the men paraded into the living room to watch football while the women paraded into the kitchen to do the dishes. That was the year my mom said to me that I needed to go into the kitchen and help with the dishes. I looked at her and said, ” How come Bob (my brother) doesn’t have to?” She had no answer than to say that was just the way it had to be. And that was the beginning of it all for me.

For the past several years I have spoken across the country on the topic of Women and Leadership. My dear friend Kathy and I developed a training program on the subject about eight years ago after she decided to pursue women’s issues as the focus of her masters thesis. (Kathy is now a City Manager and has passed on the “spreading of the word” of Women and Leadership to me.)  Since then, I have continued to be a student of the subject and am always amazed at what I unearth and how it informs my presentations.

There are real reasons, above and beyond perceptions regarding innate sexual characteristics, that women still face some inequities today. Don’t get me wrong, the strides for gender equity have been enormous, but it is important to look to the past to try to understand why some of the stereotypes still exist today. So, for your enjoyment, I am attaching to the blog the first page of an article I found printed in 1955 in Housekeeping Monthly magazine called “The Good Wife’s Guide”. If you want a copy of the full article, just leave a comment with your email address and I will pass it on.

Back in 1955 we were telling women to do things like: take the time to put make-up on and fix your hair before your husbands come home from work, have dinner on the table and ready and the kids taken care of and out of the way, listen to what he has to say because, after all, “what he has to say is more important”, not to get angry with him if he is late or stays out all night, and the best of all is the last line of the article, “After all, a good wife knows her place.” We were teaching women this in 1955 – not all that long ago.

I have shared this article with many women and men and I can tell you that almost always, the women either laugh or shudder and the men say, “Yeah, that’s the way it should be!”  I shared it with a bunch of friends just recently and will tell you that the xerox machine has been on overdrive with them sending copies out to their friends and family. Its a fun read, but it was also what we were telling women regarding their roles in society.

Bottom line, there are real reasons for some lingering issues we face as women, and this article gives us a small glimpse into how, in the not so distant past, we defined the roles of men and women, but it also shows how far men and women have come in changing those stereotypes.

What Can You Change?

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I am on the faculty of a school that will instruct park and recreation professionals on how to start, implement or augment environmental sustainability practices into their departments, agencies and hopefully their communities. Part of the curriculum will be a class on change management taught by moi. I’ve had many opportunities to both learn about the concept of change and to implement change in agencies. Did I do good? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. But it took me a long time to figure out what it was that I could or could not change, and the answer was so simple that of course it alluded me for a long time. Hopefully I can make this road easier for others.

Bottom line, it comes down to one simple fact – the only thing you can change is yourself. We spend a lot of time learning about organizational change, creating the vision for change, creating systemic change, resistance to change – yada, yada, yada. The one thing we forget to mention is that none of it is within our ability to control. It all reverts back to what I said before – the only thing you have the ability to change is yourself.

A few years ago I attended a very powerful training session conducted by Ted Willey. I have attended many seminars in my life, but this one was transformational for me, probably the only one that ever was. Ted has written a book called “The Power of Choice”, and his training is based on one very simple concept: we are the product of the choices that we make, period! There is no blame, there is no fault, as human beings we simply choose. So, for example, you are not fat because McDonald does not put nutritional information on the food you buy, you are fat because of what you choose to put in your mouth. And if those choices include taking in more calories than expending, the end result is fat – period!   Or, you are not late because there was a horrible traffic jam and you got stuck in it. You are late because you failed to adequately prepare to get to where you needed to be when you needed to be there. It is the concept of 100% responsibility. We are response – able, not response – impaired. It is a pretty hard line way of thinking of things, but in the end, I find it to be true.

The world is filled with people who point the finger the other way – woe is me, my life is so bad because I married the wrong person or my life is so bad because I am stuck in this nowhere job. Horsefeathers! If your marriage isn’t working, you can choose to do what needs to be done to fix it, or get out of it. If you are stuck in a nowhere job, get a new one. Now, I am not saying that this will be easy, but you have the power to change your circumstance. It may not be overnight, and it may be very difficult, but the power lies within yourself.

So, in teaching change it occurred to me that we all think about change as good or bad. In the end, it is neither – it simply is. As humans we choose to put a value on change and that value differs depending on how a change affects us individually. A change may be great for some and horrific for others. We can see it playing out in Wisconsin right now. Changing collective bargaining rights is good for government – it will help balance the budget. But changing those rights is bad for union workers – it is the foundation of their power base and why they exist. The existence of government or the existence of unions. What should change and why? Remove the emotion and you see the simple fact: it’s not good, it’s not bad, it just is. If we accept that premiss related to change and take the stance that the only thing we truly can change is ourselves, we approach change management in a very different way. We take the emotion out of it and work to discover ways in which people will choose to change their behaviors, attitudes, beliefs and, (if you’re really good) values.

So that is the journey I will take as I put together this seminar. Should be interesting to see what I come up with.

Why am I always amazed…

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Blue skies over Colorado

Today I finished the process of setting up my new printer. When my MacBook Pro, for some reason, would not recognize the printer, I called HP support to see if they could help. Lo and behold, I spoke to someone who actually spoke English without an accent (he was from Canada), who knew Macs and who could actually help me solve the problem. He was very good and very thorough and I wound up getting all of my issues resolved. How often does that happen? If tech support were always like this, no one would mind using it. Unfortunately that is not the case, I guess that is why I am always surprised.

This afternoon the weather was gorgeous and the sky overhead was such a clear sky blue that I thought I would share the view of the sky from my deck. Weekends are the best, even when you are retired.

Credit Card Company Mumbo Jumbo

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This situation brightened my day today. We got a letter in the mail from Macy’s collection department that our account was overdue and to call the customer service number or pay what was owed before they turned it over to a collection agency. We are pretty meticulous about paying our bills and have an excellent credit rating, and so this concerned us. I called the number on the letter and was told that the account was current. Ok, then why did I get the letter? The guy on the phone was not sure why we got the letter but was really nice and did a little deeper investigation. Here is what he found out – hold on to your hats…

In November, Macy’s sent us notification that their credit card was now going to be American Express (or so we surmised from what they sent us). We thought, ok – this works for us. We had a Macy’s card and wanted to continue having one. And with the bonus of it being an American Express card, we would now have a credit card can we could use at Costco. What the customer service rep. said to me was that Macy’s was not discontinuing their in-house card program in lieu of the American Express card, it was merely offering The American Express card to current customers with no annual fee. But wait, it gets better. What he said was, if you choose to use the Macy’s American Express card outside of the store, you get a Macy’s American Express card bill. If you use that SAME Macy’s American Express card but purchase something in a Macy’s store, you get a separate bill because that charge is assigned to the Macy’s program. If you are scratching your head, join the club. I repeated this back to him three times, and each time he said yes – that charges are assigned differently from the SAME CARD depending upon whether you use the card in a Macy’s store or outside of a Macy’s store.

Needless to say, with a system as clear as this, I made a payment to the wrong bill and that accounted for the collection notice from Macy’s. I had one bill in arrears, and the other bill (from the SAME CARD) with a credit.  Long story short, it is all straightened out now. Our mistake was in assuming that this would be a clear process with one bill. I guess that is just too much to ask for.

When You Can’t Find Anything Nice To Say…

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Why is it that people constantly seek affirmation from others – and normally the ones who do it the most are the ones that need a personal overhaul the most. Why would anyone put someone on the spot ask them “what do you like most about me?”  Do you really want to know?  Maybe what I like most about you is that I don’t have to see you on a day-to-day basis. Maybe I like the fact that what goes around comes around and it has finally come back around to you. Maybe I like the fact I don’t have to listen to your insipid whining. Or maybe I like the fact that I really don’t know you that well and so I am struggling to find anything that I can say that is positive.

Don’t get me wrong. There are many people that I love that I would cherish the opportunity to tell them what I most like about them. I could probably rattle off a million reasons in two seconds. But they never ask me. I think they are secure enough in our relationship to know that I care, that I love them and that they mean the world to me. So, the next time anyone asks you what you like about them the most, if you struggle to give an answer, don’t take the time to reply. Better yet, maybe a heart-to-heart about what has been bugging you the most about them is more in order.  Just a thought…

And Another One Bites The Dust…

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Why is it that we all willingly fall prey to planned obsolescence with our technology tools? I’ve had this HP Photosmart printer since 2005 – have loved this machine. It prints, faxes, scan copies and would probably bring in the morning paper if I programmed it to do so. The past few days my technology workhorse has decided that it would no longer copy or scan, and if it prints something, it comes out in the smallest of font that even an electron microscope could not read it. So, I did all of the diagnostics recommended in the manual and then I called HP.

Jessica my customer service rep was very nice and very politely informed me that my model printer made in 2005 is now obsolete. To HP that means that it no longer manufactures parts to repair the printer and no longer authorizes its licensed repair centers to do repairs on the machine. So, HP has literally wiped its hands of my printer. Ok, I guess I get that. After all the printer is six years old, a dinosaur by technology standards. So I decided to try plan B – find an independent repair place to get the printer serviced. Then I find out that HP will only license independent repair shops to work on certain things – so some can only service large office printers and some can actually service the small home office ones. You have to call around to find out who can work on what.

I found someone nearby who actually could work on my printer – the catch: $95/hour for labor plus parts. And of course (and I do get this, I really do), they have to do diagnostics on the printer first so that they can give you an estimate of what the repairs would cost.  And, such a deal, if they do the diagnostics and you decide not to go ahead with the repairs, they will only charge you $65.  If you look online, printers can be purchased rather cheaply and technology that was expensive five years ago is now actually pretty affordable. You can get a decent new printer for anywhere from $100 – $200. So why would you want to pay a third or more of the price of a new one to repair a dinosaur that might break down again in a year. By that time, you can invest as much if not more than the price of a new printer.

So, long story short, I am in the market for a new printer. And although I always love to get some newer technology, I wonder why we all support a system that has us all imprisoned in obsolescence that appears to get shorter and shorter every day?

Poop And A Memory

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Is there a Lab that does not like snow?

This morning I woke up to two piles of poop in the living room.  Every once in a while for some reason, our dog Mia decides that she cannot hold it and uses a particular spot in the living room to relieve herself. Thank goodness it is a rare occasion, but it is no fun when you are still half asleep to be on poop patrol. Thank goodness for these little portable spot cleaners that you plug in and put on the stain – in a few minutes, poof it is gone.

This reminded Nick of a situation that happened while we were still living in Chicago. One night we were invited to our friend’s (Bob and John) home for dinner. Bob and John had a beautiful Bearded Collie named Roxie. They suggested that we bring our German Shepherd, Garbo, over for a play date. Garbo was not very comfortable in the strange surroundings. All of a sudden we heard John yell from the hallway, “Oh, Bob, Roxie or somebody shit in the hallway.”  Now we all knew it was probably Garbo, but when John, by virtue of what he said, suggested that any of us could have perpetrated the crime, we roared with laughter envisioning one of us squatting in the hallway doing the nasty deed.  Nick reminded me of this while I was picking up poop – I was glad to be laughing while doing it.

Today I am off to the home and garden show – even though I am a Fall/Winter person, I think I have had enough and am ready for spring. Hopefully this will get me in the mood. Happy Sunday, everyone!

Inspired by Julie and Julia

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Hiking Pictures

I watched the movie Julie and Julia last night and it inspired me to try to start blogging again. At this point in time, I am not sure what the focus of the blog will be, but I am willing to start that journey and see where it takes me. I last blogged in earnest when my mother was dying. Today a good friend posted on his Facebook page that today was the 21st anniversary of his mother’s death. He posted a song called Mamma’s Arms and my heart went out to him when I listened to it. I posted the song “Everything I Own” by Bread for him. That song was a favorite of mine back in the 80’s and when I listened to it again today I cried during the lyrics “Nobody else will ever know the part of me that can’t let go.” There are some days, like today, that I am painfully reminded how much I loved both my mom and my dad and how much I still miss them. And to find out that it can still hurt so much after 21 years made the day a little harder to bear.

So, as I restart this journey of blogging, I may be all over the map for a while, but am hoping to find a focus and maybe even a following. Let’s see what this will bring.

It’s been a long time

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Hi all,
 
It definitely has been a long time since I’e written, hasn’t it? It seems like I identified this space with the story of my mother, and so now that she is gone and life goes on I have not thought much about adding to this site.
 
Someone emailed me to say that I have not be blogging lately and wondered if I was ok. I am – but I am sure that most of you can relate to the fact that it just is a strange time.
 
I was pretty sick this month – sicker that I have been for a very long time. I was off of work for a little more than a week and diagnosed with bronchitis, sinusitis, an ear infection and I was running a 101 fever. I still haven’t shaken it completely as my ear is still plugged up, but he antibiotics seem to be loosening that up a bit.
 
Everyone told me that I would probably have a let down once mom died. I thought it would happen over the holidays, but when it didn’t of course I felt I had beaten that. But, being sick and just trying to move forward has put me in a place of doing a lot of reflection and soul searching. I’m not sure where it is taking me, but I am viewing it as a journey that needs to be taken.
 
I hope all of you are well. So far, this year has been much better than the last two – I have had some opportunity to be on an even keel, and although that may sound boring it is suiting me just fine for now.
 
The onslaught of snow has stopped here for a while and although we were getting pounded with it over and over, lately we have been having warmer weather and we missed the record of 63 consecutive days with snow on the ground by 2 days. The bad news is that March and April are historically the snowiest months of the year here, so we will see what happens with that. It is funny to be happy to see the grass in your back yard again – we have had snow on the ground continously since December 20.
 
I hope to get back in the habit of keeping up my blogs – but, as I said, it has been nice to have had some time where everything has been on an even keel that it leaves me little to write about.  Take care, all!

Happy New Year

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I don’t know about you, but I am very happy it is 2007. Last year was one of the worst that I ever had – and I am looking forward to moving on.
 
I had a strange feeling last night – yesterday was the last day in the final year of my mother’s life – I don’t know why I started to think that way, but I did. There was a sadness that she would never know 2007, but after what she went through in 2006, I know she is in a much better place
I got a chance to see some movies over holidays – I saw the movie "The Holiday" -which I really enjoyed. Jack Black, who I never really cared for, did a phenomenal in job in a romantic comedy – if you can believe that. I saw "Night in the Museum" and although it is raking it in at the box office, I found it to be pretty predictable and mundance. Today I saw "Dream Girls" and although I felt the screen play was weak, the vocal performances were very impressive.
 
Nick and I welcomed in the New Year last night by having a steak and lobster dinner at home and just relaxing. I did a lot of relaxing over the holidays, and it really helped me. I am facing the new year with some renewed enthusiasm.
 
Saying goodbye to the holidays is always hard for me. I just love the holiday season, and there seems to be an emptiness when it is gone. I usually keep my tree up until the middle of January. This holiday was not as bad as I thought it would be – I do believe that there was an angel up in heaven who saw to it that there was still joy and magic around Christmas. Thanks, Mom – I am grateful for that.
 
So, happy new year everyone. The best to one and all in 2007!
 
 

The next 20 inches

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They are saying that the last time the Denver area had two snows of this magnitude so close together was in 1913. And normally, it does not snow in December. It either tends to snow in November when the ground is still warmer or in March – and when that happens, the snow melts off very quickly. We anticipate that this snow may be around for months – so we are definitely getting a midwest type of snowfall.
 
Enjoy the new pictures – Nick and I are getting tired of shoveling the driveway – but I look at it as good exercixe.
 
 

Boy, did we have a White Christmas!

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I know you all are aware of the blizzard that hit us last week. Between Wednesday and Thursday, Erie received 29 inches of snow. And, we were lucky. Some parts of Colorado got over 50 inches. It was unreal. It started snowing at six in the morning, and it just kept dumping.
 
For a state that is used to lots of snow, this storm still paralyzed a lot of things. The roads are still recovering. Grocery stores which normally have their shelves overstocked for Christmas were running out of supplies. The malls were closed for two days at the busiest shopping time of the year. It was insane!
 
I was so glad that my vacation started on Wednesday. I did not have to worry about going into work.
 
 
Earlier, I told Nick that I had decided not to make Christmas cookies this year. Normally, every year I would make about five or six different kinds, but this year I was just not in the mood.
 
Well, I am now convinced that my mother exerted a little bit of influence in heaven and orchestrated a blizzard so that I would be stuck at home. And since I was stuck at home, I thought what the heck, and I made Christmas cookies. In retrospect, I am glad I did it – but I just know that there was some divine intervention to get me to make them.
 
Christmas turned out to be ok. Christmas Eve I was a little bummed, but Christmas Day was relatively ok – helped by a new wide screen high definition tv that Nick got us for our new room addition. But even without that, it would have been ok.
 
On Christmas Eve I prayed to mom. Christmas Eve has always been a magical time for both of us, since we both love (loved) the story of Ebenezer Scrooge – and Christmas Eve is the day that the three spirits visit Scrooge and get him to change his ways. That is my favorite story of all time – and mom shared in the love of that story.
 
I prayed to her (I even sent her an email – addressed to my home address but to her) asking her to intercede for me on the night that Scrooge was visited by the three spirits, to help me find my way and to get me back on track.
 
The rest of the night was so-so and I was sad, but yesterday a veil was lifted off of that sadness and I could even enjoy the day. I am not kidding myself in thinking I am magically over my grief – but I do feel that mom has taken me by the hand and walked me through an initial door of moving on – it may sound strange, but I felt different yesterday, and today I’m ok.
 
So, I will continue to write these blogs – they may occassionally reference mom as she will always be a big influence in my life, but I will use this space to keep you informed as to what is going on and would welcome any thoughts or comments you might have regarding what you interesting. I am not thinking that I have all this great knowledge that needs to be shared – quite the opposite. But, I can at least keep you up to date and share more than I possibly could in a phone call.
 
So, I’m off bargain hunting today – and maybe even a movie. I still have a week off, and I intend to make the best use of it.
 
I truly hope you all had a great  Christmas. Enjoy the snow pictures that I posted.
 
Jan

LIfe goes on

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The memorial service was on Tuesday – it was great and it was hard and definitely more meaningful (at least to me) than her funeral because this is was at the nursing home where she spent the last 5 months of her life and her caregivers and friends from her apartment building were able to attend.
 
We played her music – we shared memories, we prayed and we had chocolate cake (of course) and the book was closed.
 
As for me, as you can well imagine, the book is not closed and I am struggling but know that eventually this will all come to some kind of acceptance and meaning and I will go on. I force myself to do things (like Christmas shopping which for anyone who knows me knows that this has never been a chore in my entire life) knowing that she wants me to move on. But, (and I know this sounds dramatic) you question the meaning of your life and how to move on, and those answers have not come yet – I don’t suppose they will for a while.
 
I am taking about 10 days off during the holidays. I need some time where I can do and be without schedules and plans – and then move on into the next year.
 
There will be no one happier than me when 2007 arrives for 2006 will probably go down in my mind as the worst year of my life. So, if that is the case, there is no way to go but up – right?
 
I’m not sure what I will do with this site – it was so dedicated to mom and her journey, and her journey – at least on this earth – has ended. I need to think about that to – but anticipate that I will continue with blogs that take me and us in a whole different direction – I am just not sure what that will mean.
 
So, as we enter the last week before Christmas – Happy Holidays to all and remember to hug those you love for tomorrow is not given to any of us. There is a part of me that is looking forward to Christmas – so thank you mom – you continue to give me gifts.

A Memorial Service on Tuesday

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On Tuesday there will be a memorial service for mom at the Peaks Care Center. The staff from  the center and her friends from her apartment building are invited to share memories about mom.
 
I took some time today and printed up some pictures of her to display at the service. I am also bringing some chocolate, so that everyone who comes gets a piece of chocolate on mom. Anyone who knew mom knew about her passion for chocolate.
 
It will be nice to have this closure – and it will be nice to hear the stories that everyone has to tell. The one recurring theme I hear about mom is about her very infectious personality – how she drew you in, made you feel important and most of all made you laugh.
 
I take it one day at a time now – every day is an adventure – I never know how I will feel or what will make me react. But everyday I tell myself to continue to move forward and I now she is there with me helping me along.
 
I finally listened to one of my favorite Christmas CD’s today – The Carpenters. It was a favorite of both mine and mom’s and I had a hard time making myself listen to it. It brought a lot of tears as I was riding in the car – but I was glad to finally hear it.
 
The holidays are getting closer and I know I will be ok. I really do feel her at times, giving me strength and pusing me to move forward. I also feel that she is happy and at peace – I don’t know why I feel it, but I do.
 
And I got a sign – this week as I was driving to work – Barney appeared. Barney is a mule that I would always see on the way to work and since I would call my mom every morning, I would always tell her about him and she would always ask about him. Well, I haven’t seen Barney in many months – and I was afraid maybe something had happened to him. But this week – there he was, and I looked up to heaven and I said – "Thanks Mom – thanks for bringing him back."  And I know she was smiling down at me.

Tomorrow it will be three weeks…

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This whole situation is just so strange – I am really beginning to realize that I just put closure to the easy part – picking up the pieces and moving on is the hard part.
 
I know time will heal some of the hurt – grief is just such a strange thing to deal with – it shows no logic – it sometimes hits you totally by surprise. It makes you think about a lot of things – it makes you take stock.
 
I’ve decided just to give myself some time and to be a little forgiving to myself. I have been on such a treadmill for such a long time – and it is so strange – when you get off there is that loss as well. No more having to run to the nursing home when things go wrong – my weekends are now totally mine to choose what to do – no more worrying about making sure that someone is ok – no more making calls on the way to work or on the way home.
 
It is just so strange. One day I can be right as rain – the next day I want to cry at the drop of a hat. One day I feel strong, and the next I feel like mush. One minute I am looking forward to Christmas, and in the same breath I am dreading it.
 
So, how you handle all of this, I do not know. All I know is dealing with the day to day before all of this happened was much clearer, much more real, much more logical than this thing called grief.
 
Tomorrow it will be three weeks – some days it seems like 3 hours, and some days like 3 years. The full realization of never seeing her or never being able to talk to her again has not fully set in – and the joy that she is not longer suffering has. So, talk about Doctor Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde – this is really a flip flop kind of thing that plays havoc with your mind and emotions. So, I take it one day at a time, try to cut myself some slack, and try to forgive myself for these crazy days when I am not sure what is real, and what is not.
 
Please time, pass quickly.

It wasn’t so bad

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We always went shopping together the day after Thanksgiving. So, after the reaction I had when I walked the mall in Florida, I was a little concerned. But, I have to say, it wasn’t so bad.
 
Maybe it was the crowds, maybe it was the bustle, or maybe it was because mom was helping me to know that it was ok, but I did pretty well, and even somewhat enjoyed the experience of the holidays officially starting.
 
One thing that this experience has emblazoned in my brain is that life is short. You need to grab the moments while you have them and enjoy them to the fullest. So, I did. And I did not feel alone – I truly felt that in some fashion, she was there with me helping me to move on.
 
And maybe it was the decision to buy an ornament in her memory. If you know anything about our tree, it is truly a compilation of our lives and the people in them over these many years. From dogs, to the muppets, to pink flamingoes, to bubbly bear, our tree is such a wonderful reminder of the people, places and experiences that have been important to us. But, I did not want a gravestone on the tree – that would just not make sense – instead I opted to buy an angel ornament (a picture of it is included in the most recent photo album I have with the last pcitures I have of my mother) and I just put on it mom and the date 2006. So there will be a reminder, but an upbeat reminder,  that she is now our angel watching over us and helping us in a very different way. And for those of you that know me well, there is not greater joy for me than adding something memorable to the Christmas tree.
 
So mom will be there now, our angel, now and for the future of our Christmases helping our days to be merry and bright!

The first Thanksgiving

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Ok – here is the way it is supposed to work. I get up first – I always do. It is hard to separate your work schedule from the occassional holiday. I make the coffee, flavored of course, (and this time of year it is always holiday peppermint), let the dog out, feed the dog and the cats and get the paper.
 
Once that is done, I slowly open the door to the room where mom is sleeping (she always does sleep-overs for the holidays) and burst out into song – Happy Happy Turkey Day, Happy Happy Turkey Day, Happy Happy Turkey Day, HAAAAAAAAppy Happy, Turkey Day. Mom always says "What time is it?", I tell her, and then we exchange Happy Thanksgivings. Then it is time to drink some of that wonderful peppermint coffee and watch the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.
 
Well, the routine was pretty much the same through getting the paper. But this year no song, this year no mom.
 
I have to say I am surprisingly non-emotional right now. Maybe it is because it really hasn’t sunk in that mom is not here. Or maybe it is because I have cried so much that the tear ducts are a little dried out at this time. It is so strange, the grieving process. You can be absolutely fine one moment and then zap, you are reduced to mish mosh.
 
So, it is Thanksgiving Day, a day that I was not looking forward to long before it actually happened. You see, I thought for sure that mom was going to die around Thanksgiving. I could tell by her condition that she probably did not have the strength to make it until Christmas, but I thought it would be just like her to give me my final challenge and see if I was up to the task – that challenge being trying to navagate a funeral and travel arrangements during the busiest travel time of the year. But, in the end, she gave me a reprieve.
 
So, today will be different in a lot of ways. I had anticipated spending Thanksgiving at the nursing home, sharing a meal with my mom. Because of that, Nick and I decided to forgo cooking a turkey and instead opted to go to a nice restaurant for dinner. Those plans are still on, and I am glad that they are. This way, our routine will be different this year, and I believe that will help in making the emptiness of the day just a little less noticeable.
 
So, Happy Happy Turkey day to all that are reading this. Take the time to be thankful for your blessings, and most importantly, take the time to hug and cherish your loved ones – becuase that is a gift that we are never assured and that can be taken away from us sooner than we expect.
 
Tomorrow, I will go shopping without her – and I think that will be even tougher. I pray that there is some way for me to feel her presence and to take comfort in that. I know she would want to be push to move on, and I know she would want my holidays to be merry and bright. I just need to keep telling myself that, and hope that it will eventually sink in. Now, it’s time to watch the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.

The final journey

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Before I go into the final journey, please read the blog right before this one. It would be great if you had words to say about my mom that you enter them into the guest book at the Funeral Home in Longmont that initally handled her arrangments – all of the information is there for you to click on to their website and enter your thoughts.
 
Now, it is all over – at least the easy part. I am beginning to realize that the hard part is only beginning, as I reach for the phone to call her and of course, she is not there.
 
I went to Florida a day early to close some chapters. You can see that I added a new photo album that has some pictures of the house that they loved so dearly and the mall that they always walked.
 
I met my aunt Jane (my uncle Vic’s second wife) and her daughter (Charmaine) for breakfast on Friday at the restaurant where they used to meet my mother for breakfast once a week. I had the opportunity to share with them the story of mom’s last days and it was very cathartic to do so.  Charmaine helped me find a restaurant for the meal after the burial – most nice restaurants in that part of town do not open until 4pm and she was able to talk a restaurant owner into opening sooner for our party. That was great – mom would have loved the place and would have approved.
 
After breakfast, I went to take pictures of their old house. They loved that house so much – it was their dream, and in retrospect, they lived a "dream" retirement for almost 20 years. As I was taking pictures, the owner of the house came out. I told him who I was, and he immediately said to me "Oh, you must be Euphrasia’s daughter " and I said yes. He asked how she was and how Nick was as well (Nick was the one who spent a month with her to help her move to Colorado).
 
When I told him about mom, he expressed his sympathy and asked me if I wanted to go inside the house. I told him, that if he did not mind, that I would really appreciate that. Well, life does go on, and I had to laugh because the house was very different from what I remembered.
 
This man and his wife were animal rehabilitators – they had 6 dogs, 7 cats, 6 birds, 2 racoons, and 2 squirrels all living in the house. He told me that when he saw me taking pictures of the house, he thought maybe one of the neighbors was preparing to sue him because of the complaints that he has gotten about the dogs barking.
 
They had added an additional screened-in area off of the pool deck to accomodate some of the birds, the two squirrels and the 2 racoons. You could smell urine in that area, and my first thought was, oh boy, mom and dad would really be turning over in their graves to see this. But, it just reinforced to me that life does go on, and that is the way it should be. It was their home now, and their home and their lifestyle certainly did not have to conform to my memories of it.
 
I was grateful to be able to take some pictures of the pool, and they are included in the new photo album as well that I just added to this site.
 
Saturday was a tough day, much tougher than I expected. I found out that I really had no desire to see my mother in a coffin, nor did I have any desire to touch her. Personally, I would have just been happy being there with her when she died and then having her taken care of in a manner in which I did not have to view it. What I saw was not my mom (don’t get me wrong, they did a fine enough job with the body) – it was just an empty shell – a well dressed stone of a person.
 
But, I could also see that the viewing was very important to my brother and the rest of the family that attended. The funeral party was very small – me, my brother and his wife, my aunt from Florida and her daughter and husband, my aunt and uncle from Georgia and my cousin, and one of my mother’s friends from bingo. Nick could not make it – with his lung problems, the doctor does not recommend that he fly at this time – so he handled the home front and I took care of mom.
 
We had only an hour and a half of viewing and then went to the Catholic Church (Light of Christ) where my mom and dad had been parishoners for 20+ years. That mass was very nice and it was officiated by a priest with a noticeable accent (I found out later that he was Polish, so it was ironically very appropriate).
 
At the cemetery, after the priest spoke, I said a few final words. I shared with the group the story of mom’s last week (which is included in some of the previous blogs if you want to read them) and the story of her death. Then we escorted her to the crypt. There was a curtain over the opening, and when we asked what it was covering, they said that it was covering dad’s coffin in the back. So, we asked if we could see it, and sure enough, there was his coffin. I immediately said, "Hold on dad, here she comes and I am sure the orders will start shortly", everyone laughed. We watched as she was put next to dad, and we left as they began the process of sealing the crypt.
 
And then, the easy part of was over. We had a nice lunch – I went back to the hotel and called my aunt (Sister Teresita) to let her know how it went, – went to a nearby mall to do some retail therapy and met my brother and sister-in-law later to watch part of the Ohio State and Michigan game.
 
Chapter closed. And in the words from the play Steel Magnolias – … I know that is true in my brain – I just wish someone would tell that to my heart… because the chapter is not closed, the essence of my mom is not gone – it is here with me, and now I have to figure out how to live with that and be happy with that.
 
As I went shopping, all I could think of was her words to me "Honey, I won’t be able to go Christmas shopping with you this year." and I told her that she would always go Christmas shopping with me, because she would always be in my heart. And yet, as I was carrying her in my heart through that mall, I was angry and I was sad, because it just was not good enough. I wanted her there, with me, hanging on to my arm like she used to, talking away about every little detail of her life and wanting to stop for some lunch or a glass of wine.
 
But she was not there, and it dawned on me that as I face this holiday season, she will not be there – and I have to figure out how to live with that, and how my life has to go one without one of the most significant influences and loves in my life. We shared a love for the story of the Christmas Carol, and all of the antics of Ebeneezer Scrooge – we loved holiday music (she especially the big band version of holiday songs) and I would play them incessently in my car as we travelled around doing our holiday chores. Right now, none of this brings any spark of joy.
 
She had to give me an early Christmas gift this year – the gift of helping her move on to her eternal life – and although that may be the most precious gift she has ever given me, I feel empty with that gift right now. I know I am being selfish, and that time will help me appreciate that gift even more than I do now, but it is my reality and I have to work through it the best I can.
 
When I was flying home, and just as we were making our approach back into the Denver airport, I swear I felt her touch my shoulder and I felt a calm as I came back to Colorado without her. It was hard to leave her in Florida and come back her by myself, but she belonged to dad much longer than she belonged to me, and I know dad was overjoyed to have her back in his arms.
 
So I am banking on the fact that they will do in death what they did so beautifully in life all those many years and that is take care of their little girl. Because Lord knows, she really needs it now.
 
I am taking this week off to get some things done in relation to mom’s estate and to take a little rest. Tomorrow I am spending all day at a spa and I am really looking forward to that. And on Friday, I will do what I have always done and that is go Christmas shopping. Yes, I am one of those nuts that actually enjoys going Christmas shopping on the busiest shopping day of the year. So mom, I am counting on you to help me feel your presence so that my life can go on -and that I learn that carrying you in my heart is enough while I am on this earth – and that I never forget and never stop feeling your love.
 
 

Euphrasia D. Drabik (1922-2006)

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Euphrasia Dolores Miksis Drabik (1922-2006) was laid to rest next to her husband, Edward Joseph Drabik (1915-1998) on Saturday, November 18, 2004 at Calvary Catholic Cemetery in Clearwater Florida.
 
Memorial contributions can be made to HospiceCare of Boulder and Broomfield Counties and sent to Ahlberg Funeral Chapel – 326 Terry Street, Longmont, CO . 80501. Please note on any contribution – IMO: Euphrasia Drabik.
 
Visit www.ahlbergfuneralchapel.com to leave condolences for the family.
 

It’s finally over… peace

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Euphrasia Dolores Miksis Drabik – born September 23, 1922 – died November 14, 2006. How do you even begin to put into the words this very special life. She was one of four children (the baby) of Apolian and Marcella Miksis (Victor, Genevieve and Bernice), born in Chicago and lived under very modest means on the south side of Chicago (a large Lithuanian stronghold at the time). She married Edward Joseph Drabik (1915-1998) and had two children, Robert (1947) and Janice (1951). She lived in Chicago until she retired with her husband to Clearwater Florida in 1982 and moved to Colorado to be near her daughter in 2004.

Mom, I miss you terribly already, but I am at such peace because you are not suffering any longer. I had two + great years with my mom here in Colorado. We went shoppping, went to movies, saw plays had regular ladies nite out dinners – and I was blessed to have had the opportunity to really spend some time with her after living far away from her for so many years once she and dad moved to Florida. She always felt I was going to follow them down there, but little Jan who always had a boat load of independence decided that Florida was not for her and lived in Chicago, Dayton, Ohio and now Boulder, Colorado.

I had never experienced a death before and so I was really not sure what to expect and how I would feel about it. Yesterday started with a call from Hospice. They asked if I wanted a nurse to stay with mom all day, because they had one available. I jumped at the chance, because I had planned to be there all day as well, and knew I would appreciate not only the company but the professional assessment of mom’s condition.

We sat all morning and chatted about mom. There were some changes in her condition since the nurse spent the day with her on Sunday, but nothing to indicate eminent death. The nurse was quick to remind me that those conditions could change at any time, and could change rapidly.

At about 11:30 am, the nurse suggested that I go out for a while and grab some lunch. I decided to do so – nursing homes are tough environments to be in when you are sitting at the bedside of a dying person.

I was just finishing when I got a call on my cell phone – some things appeared to be changing, they recommended that I come back. I got back relatively quickly, and to my untrained eye I could not notice any type of change. But they told me that her heart rate had incresed significantly and that her breathing was changing.

So, I sat by her bed and held her hand. I told her that she was the one who was there when I entered into this world and I asked her to give me a final Christmas gift – to let me be there when she left this world. I kept encouraging her to go, I told her daddy was waiting, I told her that I would be ok, and I told her that she should give in and be at peace. Over the course of about 20 minutes, as I continued to talk to her and to hold her hand, her breathing became more and more shallow. It finally got to the point where her breaths were so insignificant that it made me wonder how that little amount of oxygen could sustain life. Then there were a couple of more very shallow, very small breaths, and nothing. A tear streamed down out of her left eye, and it was all over.

When I came back from lunch, not only was the nurse there who was assigned for the day, but mom’s regular nurse, the hospice social worker and a nurse being trained to do bedside assessments. She had a room full of people, pulling for her to be out of her pain and wishing her a speedy journey to dad.

I have to say, although I was fearful of what to expect, it was the most beautiful experience of my life. My mom gave me the ultimate gift, and I will always be grateful to her for sharing her last moments of life with me.

Since last Wednesday you could see that she was accepting what was happening and preparing for the next phase of her life. On Friday she asked me what was happening to her. When I asked what she thought was happening to her, she said, "I’m dying", and I told her yes. With tears in her eyes, she told me that she would not be able to go Christmas shopping with me, and with tears in my eyes, I told her that she would always be able to go Christmas shopping with me, because for as long as I live, I will always have her in my heart wherever I go and whatever I do. She smiled.

On Monday I had both my aunt and my brother talk to her. I held the phone by her ear and they told her it was ok to let go. When she heard my brother’s voice, she opened her eyes and I got cognitive recognition. I said hi to her, and she very weakly and softly said to me, "I love you." Those were the last words I would ever hear her say.

Today we will finalize the arrangements and my last job is to get her back to dad. I can’t believe that it is over, and yet I am so happy that she is finally out of her pain. This journey was a tough one, but she handled it with grace and a positive attitude. I truly believe that until this last week, she thought she would beat this thing and walk out of that nursing home. She was a fighter until the end.

Euphrasia Dolores Miksis Drabik – born 1922, died 2006. I love you with all my heart, mom. And until the day that I die, you will live on in my heart. I am counting on you to be my guardian angel now. It’s a dirty job, but I know you are up to the task. Thank you for everything, mom. I will always love you.

Your baby,

Janice Marie

 

Could be days… Could be a week…

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We are in the midst of the dying process. I guess you could say that we have, since the end of June, been in the midst of the dying process but we kid ourselves that we have control and we look for excuses to lessen the reality.
 
But now, we are DEFINTELY in the dying process. Mom had a goodbye conversation with me on Wednesday. She thanked me for everything I have done for her and told me I was a good daughter. She told me that even though she was telling me she was ok that something was "weird" and that she knew she was dying. I told her not to worry about me and I told her that I loved her. I tried hard not to cry, but could not help myself. My mom cried at first, but when I started to cry, she stopped. When I asked her if my crying bothered her, she said no – in fact, she rather appreciated it!
 
On Thursday, I thought she was going to die. She was in a lot of pain and required much more morphine – the nursing home had to call hospice to get permission to raise the dosage. She was breathing irratically, and showed signs of apnia (not breathing for seconds at a time) but later in the day her breathing stabilized and she just sounded like she was sleeping.
 
On Friday she appeared much stronger but at one point she asked me what was happening to her. When I asked her what she thought was happening to her, she told me she thought she was dying. I told her that that was true – and if I could, I would spend all of my money to make her well again (if that would do it) and that I would give anything for her not to have to go through this. I brought one of her favorite movies – the George C. Scott version of "The Christmas Carol" and played it for her. She watched for a while and made mention of her favorite part, and then she closed her eyes and listened. After a while, she opened her eyes and told me she did not remember that movie at all (she has seen it dozens of times) – and so it becomes so apparent that her mind goes in and out.
 
I got there early on Saturday and the first thing she asked me was if I was mad at her. I sad no, and when I asked her why, she told me that she thought I was mad at her because I had not been there in a long time (just most of the day on Wednesday, all day Thursday and all day on Friday). I spent some time with her, but then left as I had a lot of stuff to do at home.
 
Today, hospice called and offered to have a nurse spend the entire day with mom to monitor her.They wanted to do it for a couple of reasons. First, they wanted to note when she was in pain to better be able to determine how to administer her pain medication. Second, they wanted to watch her to determine if they could somewhat speculate on where she was in the dying process. I really appreciated that, as the past few days have been the worst roller coaster ride I have been on for a while.
 
I cried so hard on Wednesday after we had the goodbye conversation, that my eyes hurt for the rest of the night. They hurt so bad, I had to put a cold compress on them for most of the evening. Then the next day, she is stronger. But I understand, this is natural, and her ability to rally will become less and less.
 
Today when I got there, she knew who I was, she told me she loved me, but she said some things that I could not understand. For most of the time I was there, she slept. And the nurse is going to call me this evening to give me an update on what she observed all day today.
 
I called my brother and told him to be prepared. I keep telling myself to be prepared – but I know I can’t. Every time the phone rings, I jump. I struggle with what to do with work at this point as so much is going on there – but this is my mom and the last days of her life. I just hope I make the right decisions.
 
I want her to be out of her misery and I want her back to where she was, but that cannot be. So I pray that dad will take her hand, calm her fears, and gently help her over to the other side – and then when she’s ready, that they dance like they used to.
 

Holding pattern

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That is what I feel my life is like now – on a holding pattern. It is obvious that mom is weak, but she has rallies and at least a couple of days this week she exhibited more strength than usual. But most of the time she sleeps and she really needs to be fed all of the time now as eating can become overwhelming for her, both from an energy perspective and an eyesight perspective (her macular degeneration has gotten worse, and she can’t really see what she is eating).
 
Yesterday I spent some time with her – I played some music for her and read to her. She never heard me reading to her although a couple of times she had her eyes open as I read. When I fed her her lunch, I asked her if she remembered me reading to her, and she said no.
 
Today, I went to see a movie. I called her this morning and she did answer the phone, but she sounded very tired, and she shows no interest in talking on the phone anymore.
 
I tried calling later and she did not answer. I called the nurses station and they said that she slept most of the day – that she had complained of pain earlier in the day, and they had given her some morphine.
 
After I went to the movies today (I went to see the movie Santa Clause 3), I walked around the mall for a while. All of the Christmas decorations are starting to pop up and things are starting to look festive.
 
For those of you that do not know, Christmas is my most favorite time of year – I just love the sights and sounds of Christmas, the tree, the ornaments, the Department 56 Houses, Santa, and all that. And  now I am struggling with the thought of Christmas – all the memories of mom and dad at Christmas, the Christmases in Florida, the times my parents came to visit me and Nick. My parents and I decided a long time ago that we would spend Christmas together. Either they would come to see me, or I them. We kept that tradition for 24 years – and now, I wonder what will happen this year.
 
I thought a lot about dying and the holidays – it is sort of like a baby being born – you cannot predict exactly when or what time (unless you are having a Cesearian). And I’ve thought about whether this is going to change it all for me – and I’ve come to a conclusion.
 
If mom dies during the holidays, of course it will be hard. But from then on, every holiday, I could celebrate her life and celebrate all of the good memories and times. Mom had a hard time at Christmas ever since dad died, but I am going to promise both her and dad that I will keep the holidays joyous. They both knew how much Christmas meant to me, and I know they would want it to remain that way and that they will just celebrate it with me in a different way.
 
It may sound like I am borrowing trouble, and I’m not really. But I see my mom’s progression, and I have a hard time believing she will be with us for the new year. But, believe me, if she is – there will be no one happier than me – if that is what is best for her.
 
So what do I want for Christmas this year – I want my mom to be relieved of her suffering and I want  her to be at peace – and whatever that means or how it all plays out will be absolutely fine with me. All I want for Christmas is what is best for my mom – that will be the best gift I could ever receive.

Morphine

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That dreaded word – morphine. It is now part of the treatment plan. My mom is losing strength, and it is difficult to even get her out of bed. If the nurses try, say to put her on the commode, she often goes limp in their arms and the end result is more skin tears because she has scraped herself.
 
This week, the nurses told her that she should try to use a bed pan. She was not pleased with that and demanded to use a commode. The nurses tried to move her and sure enough the strain made her go limp in their arms and she wound up getting two new skin tears on the backs of her thighs.
 
She has two sources of pain now – the cancer and her skin tears. The medication she was on was not completely managing the pain – so the nurse called me and suggested we put her on a morphine caplet, which would only be given to her when she asks for it. The caplet goes under the tongue and dissolves in the mouth – it is supposed to give very quick pain relief. So, she is on her first round of morphine.
 
She is really weak – it is difficult for her to stay awake and she often will not even answer the phone anymore. I often go and visit with her and just play her favorite music and read to her. She still has her cognitive abilities – it just seems that even speaking drains her of her strength.
 
I am not sure what the next few weeks will bring, but I am becoming more convinced that she will not live through the end of the year, and maybe not another month. BUT, the nurse says my mom has a strong will, and I do not doubt that for one minute. She has a strong will to live, and I will continue to support her in that for as long as she wants to live.
 
I find myself missing her a lot in terms of things we used to do together especially the past couple of years when she lived here in Colorado. This afternoon I was sitting on the deck and missing her being there – she never has had the chance to see our deck and newly landscaped backyard and I know she would have loved it. We used to sit out on my patio quite a bit – and when I am out there now, I miss her not being there.
 
I’ve been talking a lot to my dad lately, asking him to have influence on whomever so that my mom does not have to suffer. Every time I see her, there is a little bit of anger in me, seeing what she is now and knowing what she was all of her life. It is opposite ends of the spectrum. I feel so bad that she has to go through this – no one deserves this. It is just slowly wasting away – waiting around until your body gives out. It is not much of a life – and I don’t understand why we make people go through this – but I am grateful that I have had this time with her and I just want her to be rid of all this pain and suffering.
 
I will continue to keep you posted. More next Sunday at the least or sooner if anything major happens.
 
 

I think its starting

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I knew this would happen and some point and I think it is now. Mom is really starting to get noticeably weaker. The realization started for me on Tuesday morning when I called her and she told me that she had not slept all night. I called Pat the Hospice Nurse and asked her to check in on her.
 
Every day, up to this point, my mom would have her breakfast in bed, then they would dress her and move her to the big lazy boy chair in her room where she would spend most of her day. Some days the nursing staff would take her for walks outside in her wheelchair and other times she would just stay in her chair until after dinner when they got her ready for bed.
 
She would also ring for the nurses when she had to go to the bathroom and they would lift her on to a throne-like (I guess that is why the call it the throne) commode where she would do her business. Pat told me that on Tuesday when the nurses lifted her, she passed out on them. When she did, she slipped a little in their grasp (it is now taking two of them to move her at any time) and she scraped her knee and her arm. My mom’s skin is paper thin, and so these scrapes are painful and heal very slowly. So Pat told me she recommended that mom spend most of her time in bed and both mom and I agreed. She needs to call if she needs to go to the bathroom, and they now provide her with a bed pan.
 
Pat told me she had a conversation with mom and got mom to admit that the reason she had not slept the night before was because she was afraid of dying. Mom has even told my aunt that she wants to see a priest – and I have arranged for that.
 
She is eating noticeably less and it is very difficult for her to eat because I think her eyesight has gotten a lot worse as well. We are having a care conference on Tuesday and I am going to ask them to assit her with eating from now on.  I was there today at lunch and noticed that it really tired her out to try to eat – just the process of trying to get food on a fork or spoon and into her mouth without spilling it all over herself.  When I helped her, I think she was willing to eat a little more, but even with that she only ate about a quarter of her food. All she wants to do now is sleep.
 
Yesterday she told me that I was a good daughter and that she finally recognizes that I am really an adult and not a child anymore. She told me that she was amazed at how I survived this past summer and that she is truly grateful to have a daughter like me. She told me that she knows she does not have anything to worry about and that I will take care of everything.
 
It is very hard to see her this way – this is not the mom I have know all of my life – the vibrant, energetic woman who always wanted to be going places and doing things. It is such a shame that the last few months have had to be this way for her – just slowly wasting away, slowly getting weaker. I get mad about that sometimes. She told me the other day that she is not ready to die and yet she talks a lot more about death these days.
 
Yesterday I was able to give her a treat. When I cleaned out her apartment, I found a video that my sister-in-law had taken at my dad’s surprise 75th birthday party. It was held in Chicago. With current technology, I was able to transfer that video onto a disc and I played it on my laptop for my mom yesterday. The neat thing about that video is that at one point, the room becomes very quiet as my dad thanks everyone for coming and says that the party was one of the more special moments in his life. My mom got to hear my dad’s voice once again. When I was transferring the video, Nick asked me if I really wanted to show it to her – he was afraid it would make her cry. I said I wanted to, and I was surprised – she did not cry. What she did was show me a glimmer of what I know as my mom – she turned to me and she said "He really never had a lot to say, did he?" and we both laughed.
 
I hope I can stay strong because in my gut and in my heart I know that things are changing. I just want my mom to be at peace – whatever that means for her. The rest I will deal with because, as my mom finally recognized, I am all grown up. But if being grown up means I can no longer have my mommy, I’m not all that sure I want to be.

Back from Seattle

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I am back from Seattle and added a new photo album of some pictures. Most of them are from the top of the Space Needle, and inside and outside of the Boeing flight museum. I was too busy at the conference to see much else, but I hope you enjoy the shots.

I hope I am blissfully unaware

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The more I travel down this path, the more I become painfully unaware how important it is for a patient to have an advocate. Otherwise, Lord knows what would happen.
 
This week something happened that almost took the cake. I called my mom after work like I normally do. She sounded very stressed and said that they need to know that they can’t take her out for these long trips – that she was very tired. They brought her back to her room and turned the TV on but neglected to put the nurse call button next to her. I immediately thought that she was in the Land of Oz.
 
She began telling me how they took her to Kaiser Permanente (A specialized health care provider in the area) and then took her to McDonalds. She said she kept telling them that she did not want to sign up for Kaiser and that she would not sign anything as her daughter is her eyes and takes care of all of her medical needs. Oh boy, la la land again. But she was so stressed that I told her that I would call the nurse and see what happened.
 
Lo and behold I find out that they nursing facility’s driver had picked her up and taken her mistakenly for a blood work up at Kaiser. When I questioned the nurses why, they said they did not know how it happened.
 
I was fit to be tied. I told them that I wanted the administrator to call me the next day, and they said she would call me in the morning. The next day, when I had not received a call by twelve noon, I called Lynn, the admissions director. She told me she had heard what went on and apologize profusely. She told me she would have the administrator call me.
 
The administrator finally did call and explained that the driver was talking on the phone and writing down the room number of the patient who was to go for the blood work all at the same time and wrote down the wrong room number. Apparently my mom was pretty stressed when he went to pick her up and the acitivities director noticed that and decided to ride with her. When they found out the error, they took her to McDonalds for dinner.
 
The administrator told me that they would give a verbal warning to the driver, and they added to their policy a procedure to double check all trips with the nurse. They could not apologize enough, and when I asked my mom how far she thought I should pursue it, she told me to drop it.
 
I just have to shake my head. I just don’t get how something like this could happen and yet the mistake was relatively harmless and mistakes do get made. Mom has forgotten all about it now, and the nursing home really bent over backwards to apologize and to deal with the driver. I just wonder what would happen if my mom did not have someone in her corner checking up on her all the time. That’s why I say, when and if I ever have to be in a nursing facility, I hope that I am blissfully unaware – because I’m not sure there will be anyone around to watch out for me.
 
I leave tomorrow to go to Seattle for a week to attend the National Recreation and Park Association Conference. I am looking forward to a little time away although I will be in a ton of meetings. I will check in with you all next weekend.

Update

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I realize that it has been a long time since I added a blog. Now that I am back to work, I have so much more on my plate that sometimes I just do not have the energy to blog.
As the hospice nurse might say, the disease is progressing. We had a care meeting for my mom in her room last week. I was not convinced that involving her in the meeting was a good thing as I felt it would scare her. I have to admit that in retrospect, I was wrong. I think my mom really needed the opportunity to talk, to share her thoughts and to ask questions.
Right now she goes from being lucid to having trouble sometimes remembering even simple words. But, for the most part she is still very lucid. She was able to ask for a couple of things – mostly she wanted to be able to go outside at least a couple of times a week and she wanted to make sure that she was not being moved out of her room.
It was very hard for me to watch her during the meeting. Her regression is very evident and sometimes painful to watch. She sat in a chair with a stuffed animal in her arm acting more like a little girl than a grown woman.
She started to talk about being tired and losing her will to fight. She asked us all to promise that before we close the lid on her coffin to make sure she was really dead as she is claustrophobic. She asked the hospice nurse what dying would feel like – I really had a hard time with that one. But it was obvious that she wanted to talk about dying and it gave her an opportunity to do that with all of us in her room.
She asked for a special lunch on Saturday – an open face hot turkey sandwich with mashed potatoes, gravy and extra cranberry sauce. We set up the lunch in a small dining room and after that I took her outside and we sat for quite some time and chatted.
I’ve also noticed how quickly anything tires out my mother, now. I remember when I would be with her, she sometimes seemed to talk incessently. She would recount even the smallest details of her day. Now it seems like talking is a drain for her, and she shows little interest in carrying on any long conversations.
She is sleeping a lot now – and the nurses tell me that is common. I keep asking her if she has any pain, and she says no. But she is starting to say that she sometimes gets tired of fighting, and today she even said to me that she thinks that loss of interest in fighting is normal when someone is dying.
Sometimes I feel I am in daze, moving around in a situation that changes by day and by minute and just waiting for something to happen – but what that something is, I really don’t know. If the roller coaster tires me out, I can only imagine how it makes her feel.
Next week I am supposed to attend a conference in Seattle. I am still planning on going, but I have now way of knowing what will happen and when. It almost feel like something is constantly hanging over my head and can drop at any time and there is no way I can protect myself from it. That must sound selfish – I can’t begin to imagine what is going on in mom’s mind.
So, we move on – day to day – taking things as they come. What I try and focus on is being grateful to still have her- because I have to say, I still can’t imagine and don’t want to imagine what life would be without her.

Mom turned 84!

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Yesterday was mom’s birthday – she turned 84. Eighty-three was not the best year – it was a very pivotal year in her life. It was the year that the reality of mortality reared its ugly head. Last year at this time, I would have never dreamed that this is where we would be this year for her birthday.
 
I’m sitting on my deck writing this right now. We have a new deck and our yard finally got landscaped and I am sitting here wishing that she was at the table with me enjoying this beautiful back yard and this beautiful time of year. She loved sitting out in the back yard with me. Of course, this is where she used to smoke as well, as she did not believe in smoking in her house or anyone’s elses house for that matter. In Florida, she would walk around her pool and smoke. Here she would take an old pepsi can and use it for an ashtray and try to find a place at the table where the wind would not blow the smoke in my face. Quite often we had to switch places.
 
She would sit out here and watch the birds. She was especially enamored by the Canada Geese that fly over our house every morning and evening in large v-like formations. The fly very low and they squawk as they fly – she just loved that. But today, all I could do was call her on the phone and describe what the new deck was like and describe what the yard looked like. I wanted her to be here with me.
 
 
But at least she had a good birthday. For years we thought (and so did mom) that her birthday was on September 22. We used to have this thing – my birthday was May 22 and my brother’s birthday was May 26 and mom’s birthday was September 22 and my dad’s was September 26. I’m not sure how we discovered this, and it was just discovered recently, but we found out that mom’s birth certificate was written out in error. The story was that my mom was delivered by a midwife and supposedly she was drunk and she wrote down the wrong date on the birth certificate. So, it is really September 23. Leave it to mom to have two birthdays – she loves getting presents.
 
Last week, I wrote about her early birthday dinner. This week, she wanted an ice-cream cake for her birthday – so I got her this huge one that she could enjoy as well as share with the nurses. She was like a little kid. As a matter of fact, it is really interesting to see the role reversal. You should have seen me cleaning her up after she ate her cake – she had frosting and ice-cream all over herself and her blanket. As I was cleaning it up, I was thinking how ironic it was that I was being the mom.
 
This morning when I called she was not feeling well. She said her ankle was hurting (remember she is holding fluid in the lower portion of her body). When I spoke to her I told her to call the nurse and ask for a pain pill. She sometimes seems to forget that she can ask for pain medication regardless of where it hurts. Later on I called her and she sounded fine – but she definitely is sleeping a lot more and she tires very easily.
 
The nurses told me that they just love her. She is so pleasant, and really for most of the time she is. She could have chosen to be angry about what has happened and to be negative, but she is just the opposite. She is very positive and upbeat most of the time – and I really do believe that her positive attitude is what is keeping her alive. The nurses even told me that when she first came in that they did not think she would live very long – but she is certainly proving us all wrong – and I am so glad for that.
 
So, another year. I’m not sure what 84 going on 85 will bring – but I hope it brings the greatest quality of life possible and no pain. And I hope it brings a good attitude and joy. Happy Birthday mom. I love you very much.
 
 
 
 

An early birthday dinner

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After last weekend when the hospice nurse told me that we were going into another phase in my mom’s journey, I decided that I would not waste time. My mom’s birthday is next Saturday but I am never assured about what a new day will bring. So, this year for her birthday, she wanted a dinner from Carabbas – it is her favority Italian restaurant. She especially likes their crusty bread that they serve with herbs and dipping oil. Her birthday is next Saturday – but I asked her if she wanted to have an early birthday dinner and she did not hesitate to say yes.
 
So yesterday, I went there and ordered a couple of filet dinners – and two loaves of crusty bread. We had the staff set up a table in a little room down the hall and we had a special birthday dinner. My mom was excited all day – and it gave her something to look forward to. We had a great dinner – with mom mostly eating bread and salad – she did eat some of her filet, but she was so excited about having some crusty bread that I did not have the heart to tell her that she should save some room for the meal.
 
It was a nice dinner. And with all the excitement, once we were done she wanted to go back to her room because she was tired and wanted to go to bed. She really has very little energy anymore – but she had a great dinner and she is still talking about it.
 
Next week I told her that I would bring her an ice-cream cake for her birthday. That way, she can also share some of it with all of the staff that have been so good to her. And again, it gives her something else to look forward to.
 
The swelling in her body has not subsided – the doctor did not think it would even with the lasix, and she was right. I guess I was hoping against hope that it might help, but obviously the tumors are affecting other things in her body. She still has a good appetitie and she is still pretty lucid, so I am grateful for every day at this time. And next Saturday it is ice-cream cake – I think I will look forward to that too.

I hate cigarettes!

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It seems that I just need to constantly expect the unexpected. This one just about takes the cake. On Thursday, I got a call from the nursing home. The nurse on the other end of the line says to me, "Are you aware that your mother is smoking cigarettes?"
 
I almost flipped. I said to the nurse," She is not to be smoking cigarettes", and the nurse says to me, "I sorry, but the patient has rights and if your mom wants to smoke cigarettes, she can."
 
So I am asking all of you who are reading this – help me to understand. How can a health care facility give a woman who is dying of lung cancer a cigarette?
 
About a week ago, a nurse called me and told me that my mom was asking for cigarettes. When I asked mom about it, she said that she was only joking. Then I found out that she was not joking and that she was actually smoking. Not much, mind you. Maybe three maximum within a week. But in order to have a cigarette the nurses have to put her in a wheelchair and take her outside to a specific smoking area. There is no smoking allowed within the nursing facility.
 
I suppose there is definitely two sides to this story. After all, my mother is dying of lung cancer. Smoking at this time is certainly not going to make anything worse.
 
Two things bother me about this whole situation. First of all, I am in charge of everything else. I pay the bills, I deal with the insurance companies, I wrangle with the doctor, I close down the apartment, I manage the estate, I make the health care decisions. But when it comes to smoking, well a patient has their rights. A friend of mine who recently went through something similar with her father told me that I need to understand that a person in my mother’s place needs to feel like they have some control in their life. I guess I can understand that, but believe me I am not taking control of all these things out of choice – it is out of necessity so that my mother can be cared for, be pain free and so that her money can be used to take care of her needs. But, in trying to put myself in my mother’s shoes, I can certainly understand the need to feel like you have some control.
 
Fundamentally, I guess the thing that bothers me the most about all of this is that my mother lied to me about the smoking. When I asked her to be honest with me and told her how important it was that she was honest with me, she did admit that she lied when she told me she was only joking about asking for cigarettes.
 
That hurt the most, and I told her that. She promised she would not lie to me again. Now I am at a point where I am realizing that I need to really step back and deal with this from her perspective. Heck, I am not dying of cancer – I have no clue what she is going through and how hard this must be to constantly deal with that reality. I know in principle we are all dying, but to have that amount of specific information relative to it is something that I currently do not have, and I need to be more empathetic about that.
 
I am still struggling with why a health care facility would give a lung cancer patient a cigarette – and I am still confused about what exactly what my role is in all of this – but I will continue to go with the flow.
 
Another friend of mine put it all in perspective for me. I was ranting about this whole situation and how much I have done for my mother and this is how she repays me – by lying – and she said. "Jan, welcome to the world of having children." We both started to laugh. I made a conscious choice not to have kids – I knew I would not be a good mother – I am way too selfish – so I have no framework for having children and now, for all intents and purposes, I am thrust into the role of being a mom. The one thing that has been beneficial for me in all of this is that it has affirmed me in my decision about not being a parent.
 
So, today I am planning a special dinner for my mom. She is turning a corner in her condition and right now I never know when she may slip into something other than the lucid reality she is in right now. So we are celebrating her birthday a week early. I am going to her favorite restaurant and buying dinner and bringing it to her. It should be great and I know she will enjoy it. Yesterday she asked me what I was planning for dessert – I told her it would be a surprise. But guess what – it won’t be coffee and a cigarette – that’s for sure. Happy weekend, all!

You are entering a new phase…

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Those were the words of the Hospice nurse yesterday.
 
To talk to my mom on the phone, you might hardly notice any difference. To see her in person, you notice the changes. The medication that she is on is giving her a voracious appetite – but I see no reason to deny her the pleasures of food, and especially chocolate -which she loves so dearly. The medication is making her face puffy, and then of course, there is the swelling.
 
When mom was diagnosed with congestive heart failure, she was put on Lasix – a medication that assists the body in releasing fluid that a normal heart would automatically do. Her left foot would swell slightly, but that was about it. We discontinued the lasix when mom started Hospice treatment.
 
Yesterday, when I went to visit mom, the nurses aide pointed out to me that her lrft leg was swelling all the way up to her hip. And I also found out that her body is "weeping" – giving off fluid through her pores that is not being released in the normal fashion. So, she is swathed in a blanket that absorbs the moisture.
 
I called the Hospice nurse and she came out to see her. The nurse talked to my mom’s doctor who in turn called me. The doctor seems to think that the tumor we treated in June has grown and his pressing up against a vein that is not allowing sufficient blood flow to the lower part of the body. So, we have the swelling. I talked to the doctor about putting her back on Lasix – she told me she was hesitant to do so because she was pretty sure that the swelling was being caused by the growth in the tumor and that Lasix would not do anything to allow for sufficient blood flow to the lower part of her body, which is what would relieve the swelling. I told the doctor that we should try anyway – for one week to see if it would give her relief. The doctor said after a week, we would have to begin testing my mom’s electrolyte levels (blood tests) as the Lasix would remove fluids from her body, just not the ones we are trying to target. But, on the chance that the Lasix might help, we will try – but I am not going to have her on it for too long if it is not helping the problem.
 
When I was on the phone yesterday, the hospice nurse said, "Jan, I want you to know that you are entering a new phase in your mother’s condition." When I asked her what that meant, she could not be specific, but she was indicating that things were changing.
 
I talked to the doctor about that, and asked what that meant. She said that I would probably see my mom sleeping more (which I already have), and that this could ultimately result in renal failure. But, she also said that some people live with that type of swelling for some time.
 
So, we are on to a new phase. I was a little saddened by that last night, but when I spoke to mom today, she sounded fine – so I allowed myself to delude myself and say, she sounds fine and that is all that matters right now.
 
I hope I find the strength – and somehow, I know I will.

Closing a chapter

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On Thursday I turned in the keys to my mother’s apartment. Just a simple thing – go meet the landlord and turn in the keys.
 
I had arranged to meet the landlord at 12:30, but some things ended early at work and I got to the apartment building sooner than planned.  I decided to take one last look around.
 
The apartment was bare now – the only thing that remained was the custom curtains that my mom had installed. I walked out on the balcony and thought about the many times my mom and I sat out there. She basically went out there to smoke her cigarettes (arghh) – but we would sit and listen to sounds of the trains going by – the tracks were a few blocks away and it was amazing how after only a short while you often missed the sounds of the train unless the conductor sounded the horn. Her balcony was on the east side of the building, so you got the morning son, but in the afternoon it was very pleasant. We would have a cup of coffee or a glass of wine and talk about how great it was that she was now in Colorado and had found such a great place to live.
 
I walked back in and went from the living room to the family room – she spent a lot of her time in there in the evenings watching tv. She also had her desk in there and that is where she did all of her paperwork until her macular degeneration got so bad that I had to do it for her.
 
I walked into her bedroom – it looked so much smaller without the furniture and her walk in closet looked so much bigger without all of her clothes. She had two bathrooms and a laundry room as well – she loved that. She did not like all of the "retirement" places we visited that had one laundry facility on every floor. She wanted to do her wash in her own apartment  and she had that there.
 
I systematically went into every room and thought about things that had occurred in each of them. My mother was so happy there – she had found an ideal place for herself and she felt very safe and comfortable there.
 
I was so happy she had the time there – this was my mom’s apartment. It’s hard to believe that someone else is moving into it this weekend.
 
It sounds silly but I thanked the space for being so good to and for my mom. She couldn’t have found a better place. It was ideal for her. I started to leave and just couldn’t. I had to walk through  one more time. I did that and then walked out and closed the door. I would never go back into that apartment again.
 
Since I had gotten there early and left early, I left the keys with the landlord’s grandmother who also lives on that floor and who became a very dear friend to my mother. I walked out of the building and went to visit mom.
 
I walked in her room and after making some small talk I told her that I turned in the keys. She started to cry and so did I. She said she has gone through many phases in her life, and this was the end of another chapter. I held her hand and told her that I understood – I told her it was also hard for me and that I was just as sad to know that that apartment was now a thing of the past. She continued to cry and then she looked at me and said that it was the right thing to do and that she was glad that that weight was now lifted off of my shoulders.
 
Then, all of sudden, she said – "Enough of this nonsense, I want to eat" -(she was in the middle of lunch when I got ther). And almost as if it meant nothing, the subject was over and the joy of eating returned.
 
For whatever reason, she is keeping an amazingly positive attitude and she does not dwell on her situation. She remains mostly upbeat and positive and I know that is having a significant effect on her health. Whether she is choosing not to admit things, or whether she just feels that she is going to make the best of her situation – I am very impressed by her strength and appreciate the fight she has in her.
 
So, another chapter is closed. Many have closed since June when this incredible journey began for me, my mother and Nick. We are all on a different path now, one that is more defined and thankfully one that has some semblance of normalcy. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate that – I appreciate the little things – the sound of my mother’s voice – sitting in the kitchen and knowing that Nick is sitting on the couch – not having to call or visit a hospital every day – going to work every day – all these simple little things that I wondered if I would ever experience again.
 
I am not kidding myself – I know there will be other hardships in life. But when all of this was going on, a friend of mine told me that after living through this, all other hardships will come and go, but nothing will ever compare. I really think that is true.
 
On a side note, I got a call yesterday that one of my employee’s mother died in her sleep. She and I were just talking recently about our mother’s health issues. She had just gone to see her mother recently and she told me that she wondered if this would be the last time she would see her mother alive. I tried to call her last night when I heard. Her voicemail kicked in immediately, so I think she was on the phone. I left her a message to express my sympathy. I wished her peace and strength but also said that I  could not say that I knew how she was feeling – only that I wished her the strength to live through what was to come.
 
And then, I took a deep breath. I realized I did not know what she is feeling  – and I got a little scared. Treasure your mother while you have her, Jan. You just never know.

So long summer – I, for one, will not miss you!

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Hi all,
 
It has been a while since I have written, but that is good because I have accomplished a lot and finally got some things completed. And now it is Labor Day – where did the summer go, right? Not for me – I am very happy this summer is on its way out.
 
This summer represents one of the worst periods in my life – starting on June 10 with Nick’s hospitalization and ending with me finally closing down my mother’s apartment on Saturday.
 
So, as I reflect on what went on – it sort of sounds like this :
  • Putting Nick in the hospital
  • 5 days later putting my mom in the hospital
  • Researching rehab care for Nick
  • Researching nursing homes for Mom
  • Selling my mother’s car
  • Moving Nick into rehab
  • Moving my mom into the nursing home
  • Overseeing the construction of our deck
  • Managing the day-to-day of two households
  • Staying up all night worrying because Nick was not home
  • Going to Wyoming to pick up Nick
  • Arranging to have Nick’s car transported back to Erie
  • Dealing with the insurance company on Nick’s car
  • Dealing with the insurance company regarding mom’s long term care insurance
  • Overseeing the landscaping project for both the front and back yards
  • Planning the close down of my mother’s apartment
  • Renting a car for my aunt and her travelling companion who spent two weeks visiting mom (I thank God for the care and support they gave her and the relief they gave to me)
  • Physically closing down my mother’s apartment – dealing with the consignment people who moved the furniture, the Salvation Army who picked up most of the rest, and loving friends who helped me pack
  • Managing my mother’s health care – the ups and downs on confusion, skin tears and falls
  • Fighting with the nursing home over keeping my mom in a private room
  • Taking my car into the dealership and finding out it needs a whole new engine
  • Oh, and working a full time job which was only full time for two of the weeks between June 10 and now (my staff is now completely burned out and overwhelmed)

And that’s about it. I look back and say, wow, certainly a lot was accomplished – but it was stressful, and painful. I am not sad to see this chapter closed.

And yet, this chapter has fundamentally changed me and my perspective on things. I am happy – and I can’t believe that I can say that. When this first started and right before everything hit the fan, I was wondering if I would ever be happy again. That was very hard, and despressing to the point of contemplating why I should even continue to value my life.

But, finally something did happen, and even though it was horrific, it ended a lot of waiting and anticipating, wondering and worrying. It all burst open, and although it was painful, it was also something tangible to deal with. And that provided me perspective and grounded me. It also taught me to appreciate the little things, and I take a lot of joy from that now.

As we move forward, things are looking very positive for Nick. Day by day he is getting stronger and it is so nice to see come back the man I married. It is much more peaceful and stable at home.

As for my mom, only time will tell with her. She is going to die, but so will we all someday. But she is pain free, and she has the best quality of life possible under the circumstances. I got word from her insurance company that her benefits have been approved, so with that, I will be able to manage her finances and maybe even save some money for her versus just seeing it all pour out to the nursing home. She is ecstatic about that, and that makes me happy.

The apartment is all done. I will turn the keys in on Thursday (the last day it is ours) and I want to walk through it one more time and think about all of the joy it brought both mom and me. She had the opportunity to be more social, live in a great place, make some great new friends and be near family for the past couple of years, and that was much better than the life she was leading after my dad died – so I will smile about that and cry for the loss – and walk out of that apartment and into the whatever will be – for me, my mom and Nick. But I can say right now, that phase looks a lot better than the phase I entered into on June 10. Thank God!

In and out…

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So today mom’s confusion was better – she was pretty thick tongued in the morning, but this evening she sounded clearer. It seems her life these days consists of sleeping and eating.
 
Yesterday some friends of mine helped me pack up all of the remaining little stuff so that the Salvation Army can pick it up on Monday. My one friend Kathy took my mom’s desk and TV last weekend. When she came yesterday, she told me about her daughter Madison and the desk. She said the desk is not in the place in her home where it will eventually be, but no matter, her daughter sat down at the desk, spread out her chemistry homework and started to work on it. Kathy said that it was a great sense of the human spirit living on, and she asked me if it would make mom happy to know that the desk was being used in such a way. I told her that I definitely thought mom would be happy about that – once again the desk is being put to use and once again that desk is supporting the work of someone. And it is supporting the work of a daughter of a friend – that is really nice.
 
Kathy also kept asking me how we could thank my mom for the wonderful things that she is giving people. I told her that to thank her for her things might not be the best idea, especially since all of her things being moved out respresents a very scary thing to her, even though she knows that logically that needs to happen. I told Kathy the best way to thank my mom was to use the things she took in good health and maybe every once in a while, it might be a  reminder of mom – and that would be the best way.
 
My friends were great – they helped me pack, we sat around and talked for a while and it made the whole situation a lot easier to deal with.
 
Everything is done now. All that is left is the Salvation Army pickup on Monday and then next weekend a final clean up of the apartment. I’m not sure how I will handle walking out of the door of that apartment for the last time. My mom so loved it there – it will be very hard. I really do not want to think about that any more right now. Tomorrow I am taking a little time for myself – I will think about that for now.

Confusion

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Confusion – a very polite term to describe the effects of drugs on one’s brain or the effects of cancer on one’s brain. We’re not quite sure yet what is causing the confusion.
 
Yesterday mom was quite confused. She started by telling me that something was going on at the care center involving the hispanics and the blacks and that the nurses would not talk to her about it. Boulder County has a growing hispanic population and some people of the hispanic culture do work at the center, but believe me, there are no black people. African Americans are not the dominant culture here, as a matter of fact I believe their numbers are in the less than 1% range – so that tipped me off that what we had was "confusion".
 
When I spoke to the nurse, she affirmed that my mom was confused but she also said that she had a urinary tract infection and that that can be the contributing factor. They asked if I wanted to start her on antibiotics. So, I called Pat the hospice nurse.
 
Pat told me that bacteria in the urinary tract is common, especially in nursing home environments, and that we had treated mom for that before as well. She seemed to think that this could be the onslaught of the cancer spreading to my mother’s brain. We decided to move ahead with the antibiotics and we would have a better idea within a few days if the confusion was caused by the infection or by the cancer.
 
I spoke to mom this morning. She is a little less confusion but still speaking with a very thick sounding tongue. She did say a few things that were off the mark, but most of the conversation was lucid enough. It is so hard to tell what is going on – this is such a nasty condition – it just strings you along and gives you so many highs and lows.
 
Yesterday they moved my mom’s furniture out of the house. It was a relief to see that done, and yet it was one of the hardest things to experience. To see this representation of her life slowly fade into nothing is very difficult. The good thing is that it is so much work that you can lose yourself in the project and forget at time what the project represents. When the movers left, I cried. Some of that furniture was in my family for 50 years, a lot of it was furniture that my mom and dad bought together when they moved to Florida and so in some instances, it represented not only a loss in relation to my mom, but reliving the loss of my dad as well.
 
As I stood in front of the bed they slept in for many years and watched as it was dismantled and taken away, I felt very alone and very sad. I thought of all of the times I visited them in Florida and how that home, for all intents and purposes, was their dream home – their dream life – after living most of their lives in a small ethnic neighborhood on the South Side of Chicago, they finally had the opportunity to experience the American Dream – they had a corner lot , 30 trees, a pool , and a beautiful home filled with all new furniture – most of which was taken away yesterday. The memories attached to those pieces of furniture were endless, the lives that were lived in and around those pieces are now either gone or dwindling and soon they will be in different homes that will never know what they have been a part of or who sat on them, slept on them, cried on them and laughed on them.
 
Life goes on and although in my head I know that is the best – I wish someone would explain that to my heart. I love you mom and dad, and even though the material possesions are going or gone, the important parts of you will live on in me – for as long as I live. I promise you that.

The effects of cancer

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Sometimes I fool myself into thinking that my mom is going to get better. Hospice has gotten so good at managing her pain that every once in a while I buy into my mother’s dream of being the "hospice miracle" and leaving the nursing home for a return to an apartment and independent living.
 
But the dream always seems to get interrupted by some dose of reality. Yesterday it was one of the effects of cancer on the body – the thinning of the skin.
 
I remember when Nick’s dad was battling cancer – his skin began to look like wax paper, very thin and very transparent. That is what is happening to my mother’s skin, especially on the legs.
 
She is no longer mobile – the extent of her movement is from the bed to the chair. This lack of activity results in abrasions and sores and with the skin thinning, it seems like any contact that might cause a bump or a bruise on one of us, results in a skin tear for her. That in turn is very difficult to manage because any attempt to put an application on it, a bandage or medical tape results in another tear when you try to take it off.
 
Last night I called her after dinner as I usually do and she was very agitated. She said that she had a lot of cloths around her legs and that the nurses told her that nothing could be done until they talk to the doctor.
 
These days I have to be very careful about what my mother tells me to determine what acutally happened. She does forget and she does get information distorted and sometimes she is as clear as a bell, so it is difficult to discern what I am hearing.
 
I called the nurse because she was so agitated and the nurse confirmed that they were doing some temporary treatment until they could confer with the nurse who specialized in these types of wounds. Well, I found out pretty quickly that in these types of cases I need to call hospice immediately – even if it is on the weekends as they have nurses on call 24/7. I did not do that, but I will know in the future.
 
The other thing that got my mother so agitated was the fact that if she laid very still she was fine, but any movement resulted in a burning sensation in her legs and she did not the fact that her wounds were weepy.
 
First thing this morning I called Pat her hospice nurse and Pat arranged for some special gauze which she thinks will be capable for being removed without resulting in additional skin tears. Pat dressed the wounds and my mom said she had instant relief. Pat also said that if my mom was feeling pain that she should ask for a Vicadin, but when I mentioned that to mom she did not want to do that – I think she fears being overly drugged.
 
Today mom was a little "thick tongued" again as well. Every few days she will have a day when she almost sounds a little drunk – Pat informs me that that is common in cancer patients – a common side affect of the drugs.
 
So although mom has been breezing along, after I spoke to her last night and this morning, I was made aware again that this is not going to go away and that there is more to come.
 
I was so concerned about her that I made a trip out to see her at lunch time and that was after Pat had dressed her wounds and she was better and obviously more comfortable. But, she slept a lot today – more than usual – again another by-product of her condition but one that had not manifested itself frequently in recent weeks.
 
I’ve always loved roller coasters – but this ride is certainly not for the weak, and certainly one that I do not want to take too often. Just a few simple things change and the thoughts get darker and the eyes get watery and the brain goes to a place that is dark and sad. I think this type of exit from the world is perhaps the cruelest because you get yanked and pulled from happy to sad, from euphoria to despair and it all seems to happen as a matter of course for the disease.

It’s been a week – wow!

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It’s been a almost a week since I wrote something. That seems hard to believe. But the great thing is that I was able to be at work for an entire week – that felt really good.
 
I still have a lot to handle before the end of the month. I finally got all of the paperwork done (or I think I did – it will be interesting to hear what the insurance company says) for my mom’s long term care insurance. The problem was getting all of the necessary documentation for the home health care she received after her congestive heart failure diagnosis. Orginally I was told my the insurance company that all I needed to provide was the itemized bill that they sent to medicare. Then I was told I had to fill out a bunch of other forms plus provide the caregiver notes from her home health care. My mother received home health services from a nurse, a physical therapist and a home health care aide, and each one did notes every time they came. The entire package of notes was 137 pages long. I really don’t understand why the insurance company needs that when I had a signed diagnosis form from the doctor. But needless to say, once I had accumlated the piles of papers, it was not longer possible to fax all of the information, so I had to go to the post office and send it Express Mail. I wanted to make sure it got there the next day.
 
That was on Wednesday. When I called the insurance company today (they should have received the information by noon yesterday), it still was not logged into their system. Once that occurs, I was told that it would take a minimum of two weeks for the information to be analyzed to determine where she is in her elimination period and when her benefit payouts could begin.
 
So, it is hurry up and wait. I am planning on calling again on Monday to make sure the information is in their system.
 
The next hurdle is closing down the apartment. When I spoke to the estate manager yesterday to inquire about what I needed to do to help with the sale next Saturday, she suggested that we not do the sale (she had unexpected out-of-town guests) we skip the sale, that she would arrange to pick up all of the furniture either Thursday or Friday of next week and that I be responsible for getting rid of all of the "smalls" as she calls them (dishes, pots and pans, nic-nacs, etc.) I thought that was great – I really wasn’t looking forward to hanging around while we held a flea market sale of my mom’s stuff – so that will work out for the better.
 
So barring any unforseen circumstances I will have the furniture out of the apartment by the 25th and then Salvation Army is scheduled to come on the 28th for all of the rest. Then all I have to do is some light picking up and we can move on.
 
It felt so good to be at work again – and to be there for a whole week. Next week I will need to take off a couple of days as I need to finalize the move. Then it will be only a few follow up doctors appointments with Nick until mid-September and then (hopefully) a breather.
 
It definitely feels better than it did the second week in June when this all hit the fan, but it has changed me. I’ll get into that more later. For right now, just pray that things happen as planned through the end of the month.

Seeing the Cubbies!

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Today  I did something for myself. A colleague of mine who I worked with at the Chicago Park District and who is now the Director of Parks and Recreation in Denver had asked me quite a while back if I wanted to go to the Cubs/Rockies game today. I had it on my calendar for a few months now and never took it off.
 
This week when I got an email from her asking if I was still planning on going, I decided to go. It was so great to get out of the house and do something for myself – the day was perfect and the Cubs even won the ballgame.
 
Mom was very supportive when I told her that I was thinking about going. She encouraged me to go, saying that I had been through so much lately that I deserved to go. I was so grateful for her support. I remember when she was taking care of dad and I encouraged her not to go see him 7 days a week – that she should take a couple of days for herself. I remember talking to her on the phone and the guilt she felt because she was actually looking forward to those days and feeling like she shouldn’t be feeling that way.
 
I think I felt a little that way too, but she, having gone through what I am going through, was very supportive and made me feel so much better about taking the time for myself. Anyway, it was a great day, I had a great time and it was so nice to do something like this.
 
Sometimes I wonder what it is going to be for folks 5-10 years down the road when the baby boomers are all in this boat and the next generartion of caregivers will be faced with similar situations. I do hope we get better at taking care of the older adults and that we figure out a better way to do it with with grace and decency for both the person who needs the care and the caregivers. There has got to be a better answer than what we do now. But, what it is, I do not know.

Celebrity photos

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As I go through the mounds of pictures that my mom saved, I am scanning some of the more interesting ones. My dad took a lot of pictures when he was in the army in California – and some I will publish later. You should see some of the pictures of downtown Los Angeles – it looks like a movie set now and it is hard to imagine that LA ever looked like that.
 
It seems like he was there for some sort of USO show – I’ve included pictures he took of Lucille Ball, Marlena Dietrich and Linda Darnell. Desi Arnaz was there at the time, but he did not get a close up of him.
 
Also I’ve include a picture that is the hallmark of anyone who ever lived on the south side of Chicago – see if you can guess which one I mean. And of course, there are some more pictures of my dad when he was in the service. Most of the pictures have explanations on the back – and it seems like he took the pictures and sent them to my mother becuase the explanations appear to be addressed to her. He talks about his buddies and one buddy who subbed for him in the kicthen one Sunday so that he could go to Mass and another who convinced the battlion chief to give him a furlough so that he could go and visit mom.
 
It was very interesting to see. I’ve just included a few because I am beat after another day of moving stuff out of my mother’s apartment – this time the storage cabinet in the garage. I hope you enjoy them and I promise there will be more later.

Moving along

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I haven’t written anything for the past couple of days because things have just been moving along at their usual crazy pace. This morning we were greeted with our garage door not opening and neither one of us has the strength to get it open manually and it seems like all of our neighbors are out and about.
 
Hopefully, once I get my car out of the garage, I will be able to get over to my mom’s and clean out her storage locker and pay her a visit. If it isn’t one thing, it is another.
 
More later…

The private room

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Today my journeys took me from Erie to Arvada to Longmont to Boulder. Just another typical day in the life of the Director of Parks and Recreation.
 
This morning I conducted my final meeting as the chair of the Directors Section for the Colorado Parks and Recreation Association. The meeting was held at a huge recreation complex in Arvada. During the meeting my cell phone went off. It was the Peaks Nursing Facility, the facility where my mom is a resident.
 
They called to inform me that they were going to move my mother out of her private room.
 
Let me provide a little context on this. When my mom was admitted to the nursing facility she shared a room. When we got there, I asked if it were possible to get her a private room, because that is what she wanted. When I met with the marketing manager and the center manager they told me that private rooms were normally offered to medicare patients and more specifically patients that had a short rehabilitation time or a short time to live.
 
My mother was on medicare and her prognosis is 2-6 months. They got her into a private room pretty quickly. I was very concerned after a couple of weeks about how her medication was being handled by the nursing facility. I decided to call in hospice (and I am glad I did – my mom has been pretty lucid and they got her off a lot of medications)  which really opened up a can of worms. You see, once you call in hospice, then hospice is in charge of her medical care and hospice receives the medicare reimbursement for her medical expenses, not the nursing home. The nursing home can charge a facilty charge, but they miss out on the medicare medical reimbursements. So, for all intents and purposes, they are making less money.
 
When I switched to hopsice, the marketing manager told me that it might be difficult to keep my mom in a private room. She again reiterated that private rooms were normally used for rehabilitation purposes and for shorter term care. I again restated my mothers prognosis and she and the center manager said, "You know what Jan, don’t worry about it for now."
 
So when I got the call today, I was furious. It’s not that I had forgotten that they had spoken to me about their policy. But there were a couple of distinct things that really rubbed me the wrong way.
 
First of all, they made it sound on the phone to me that they were going to move mom and do it now. I got pretty upset and I said, first of all why wasn’t I given more advanced warning about this so that if indeed we had to move her, I could be the one to prepare for this so that the move would not be as stressful At this point, my mom had no idea if I knew what was going on, and I am sure because she did not know if I was aware of the situation, that made her stressed and upset.
 
Secondly at the beginning of this month the nursing home presented me with a bill – not just for the month of July but they told me their policy was to bill a month in advance. I paid the bill – and I was billed for a private room for the month of August.
 
Thirdly, I got hot because it just reeked of "we can get more money for this room if we give it to someone that we can bill medicare for" even though we are paying their charges and paying on time.
 
I told the staffer who called me this morning that this move was not acceptable to me – that I wanted to speak to meet with the head administrator, and that if they moved my mother I would work quickly to move her out of that facility.
 
The staffer told me that she would have the administrator call me back. I told her that I did not want a phone call from the administrator but that someone should contact me to set up an appointment to meet with him/her.
 
When I hung up the phone, I ran back into the meeting I was chairing to make sure that things were moving along. Then I left the room again and called the marketing manager (Jean). Jean is the person that I wrote about that I had a great conversation with about nursing facilities, what they should be and what the future of these facilties will be with the baby boomers aging.
 
I told Jean that I was very upset and I reiterated to her that I would move my mother out of there if they took her out of her private room. Jean told me she was sorry I found out the way that I did, and asked if she could call me back in 20 minutes. I said ok.
 
After my meeting ended I drove from Arvada to Longmont to pick up the paperwork that my mom’s primary care physician filled out to submit to her insurance company to begin the process of getting her long term nursing benefits. Since mom’s nursing facility is only a block away from that office, I stopped in briefly to see if they were starting the process of moving my mom. My mom told me that she had not heard anything and did not know if anything was going to happen. I told her that Jean said she was going to call me back in 20 minutes (and that was 2 1/2 hours ago). I had to leave her to go to her old apartment as the estate manager was holding an open house for the residents of her building to see my mom’s stuff and see if they had any interest in purchasing anything. I left the nursing facility, stopped by my mom’s apartment and made sure everything was ready to start and then I started my journey back to Boulder to meet with the City Manager’s office before being interviewed by Channel 2 regarding the prairie dog situation that I wrote about yesterday.
 
As I was driving into Boulder I got a call from Jean. She apologized for making me upset. I felt it was important for Jean to know that I did remember our conversation regarding the potential  issues with a private room, and I also wanted her to know that my fuss did not negate all of the good things that I felt the center had done for my mother (which there are many good things). But, I told her that this felt like a money making ploy to me – a way to get more medicare dollars. I reiterated to her that I paid for a private room for the entire month of August, and I also reminded her of the conversation we had about what the mission and purpose of these types of facilties should be.
 
I told her that I was sorry that my mother hadn’t died as quickly as some might have thought – but I also asked her if she ever thought that maybe the reason my mother was doing as well as she was is because she is living in the type of space that makes her feel comfortable and secure, and
 that in turn has helped her to maintain the positive attitude that she has and consequently that has made her stronger and given her more quality of life, and more life period.
 
Jean told me that I should keep advocating for my mom the way that I am and that I am doing exactly the right thing. She told me that because I said what I said to the staffer and her and because of my reaction to this, that she was able to advocate for some things. She said that what she did was reevaluate the overall room assignments in the center. She made some changes to some living arrangements and after those changes were made – surprise, surprise, there was not a suitable place to move my mother. So, at this point, there is no suitable place to move my mom – so she stays put.
 
Jean suggested that I meet with the administrator and tell him/her exactly what I told her – because she believes that nursing homes are about care and quality of life. She also says that we are paying our bills, on time – my mom is one of only 3 residents there that has nursing home insurance, and so what’s the problem.
 
She also says that everyone just loves my mom and that she is so easy to take care of – and she led me to believe that my advocacy gives her more power to help us. I told Jean that I would continue to fight for my mother. I told her that I am powerless to do anything about her cancer – what will be, will be – but I am not powerless to try to give my mother what she needs in order to give her the best possible quality of life for the life she has remaining. That I can do – it is the only gift I have left to give – and I will do that. I began to cry, and Jean began to cry too.
 
So then I arrived in  Boulder to talk to the City Manager about our strategy to deal with prairie dogs and then I was interviewed by Channel 2 news. That way my day, how was yours?

Prairie dogs

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Oh, yes – today was back to "normalcy". At work for the second day in a row, dealing with matters of extreme importance and urgency – truly making a difference in the lives of people. So what was the major area of focus for me when I got back – yep, you guessed it, prairie dogs.
 
First let me start out by saying that prairie dogs are the cutest things you’d ever want to see. And let me also say that there is a real reason why I live out here in Colorado – I love and respect animals both of the domesticated kind and wildlife.
 
Prairie dogs cause a lot of controversy in Colorado, especially in Boulder as Boulder has really pushed the edge of the envelope in terms of wildlife protection. Some might argue that Boulder has gone overboard, while others will say that Boulder is setting the standard. That argument is not for this blog. What I am really referring to is perspective, more specifically mine.
 
To make a long story short, p-dogs are migrating to urban park lands in Boulder and that is causing us to be in situations that raise a very heated community debate. The issue this time is prairie dogs encroaching on land at the Boulder Reservoir, (more specifically an unpaved parking lot area) and that is land that my department manages.
 
I got a call from a local reporter today who wanted information on the situation and the local newspaper even came out to take pictures of the temporary barrier we constructed to prevent additional encroachment. It will probably be in the newspaper tomorrow and it will probably be on the front page – prarie dogs or recreation – will the prairie dogs prevent event parking that is helping the Boulder economy?
 
Is this a controversial issue – you bet. But it’s funny. I came back to work, heard this was the problem going on, and immediately I thought – how am I going to react to this – how does this compare to everything else that is going on in my life right now.
 
Many people have said to me during the course of all that has happened over the last 6-8 weeks that things happen for a reason and that some good will come out of it all. Well, I think I see part of some of the good. Where before I probably would have gotten emotionally charged about all of this, I am now looking at this merely as a problem that needs to be solved. I am not downplaying the importance of this situation in the eyes of the stakeholders, but I am merely saying this is a problem that we need to resolve and try to do it in the best possible. way.
 
Maybe part of my gift is learning perspective especially in the light of what truly matters. My job makes a lot of demands on me that, if not handled appropriately, could affect my health and well being. I am beginning to think that I now know that I have to ability to choose whether I allow that to happen or not. And I am choosing not, becuase in the scheme of things there are other things that play a much more important role in my life.
 
Don’t get me wrong, I take my job seriously and want to do the best possible work. But in the grand scheme of things, it is a job, the city of Boulder existed before I got there – will exist after I leave (hopefully better off for my contributions) and what is really important in this world are your family and friends – they come first.
 
So thank you prairie dogs for teaching me this lesson. I love you – I want the best for you – I will always value you – but I love my mom and I love my husband and if I need to worry about something, I will worry about them.

Some perspective…

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Yesterday I finished getting everything out of my mother’s apartment that I wanted. So her place looks neat and clean and ready for the estate manager to being the process of selling what’s left. I wish I could say the same about my house. I have piles of stuff that I took from her apartment both in the basement and in the office. I did not have the time to sort through things at her apartment and have it ready so that I could go back to work today. So I’ve moved stuff and now I have piles.
 
I was not going to stop to see my mom yesterday, but when I called her she seemed pretty confused and she sounded like she was speaking with a thick tongue. So, I stopped by for a few minutes. I can always tell when she is not 100% lucid – the look in her eyes is sort of glazed over and she cannot seem to focus in on anything.
 
Today I spoke to the hospice nurse about it – I wondered if by chance someone had given her too much medication or inadvertantly changed the dosage. She said she would check, but she also said that these bouts of la la land are also part of the cancer process even without changes in the medication.
 
My mom is also having some problems with the development of some bed soars on her butt. Pat, the hospice nurse, said that this is a common occurence with cancer patience – it is the effect that cancer has on the skin making it almost paper thin. My mom definitely has that.
 
Pat said to be thankful for the lucid times, because they will be interspersed with dillusionary times, and that this was common. It was just that my mom had come off of a three week run of being tremendously  lucid. Every once in a while the danger that is lurking behind rears its ugly head.
 
So, at least mom’s apartment is ready for the next phase of the close down process, and I have a boat load of stuff to sort through. My mom saved old greeting cards and other mementos, but what really surprised me is that she saved all of the old nursing home bills and medicare receipts from when my grandmother was in the nursing home. My grandmother died quite a few years ago – I am not sure why she saved all of those bills. Needless to say, the shredder got a good meal yesterday an probably more to come.
 
I went back to work today, and that was a new kind of tired. But, I am glad to be back at work. I will be in sporadically this month as I will still need to take Nick to some follow-up doctor’s appointments and I will still have some things to handle closing down my mother’s apartment. I see the end of August as a milestone. Once I have closed down that apartment, that will be a big relief.